"Lucky" - on our first trip to Europe...

Trust-funder Douchebag

I must first apologize for the "absent" column last week. Between my whirlwind trip to Chicago and trying to find a new porno-palace for me to call 'home', it's been absolute chaos. So, my sincere apologies to all of those who were waiting with baited breath last Friday afternoon for the next instalment of 'Struttin' with Smith'.

It has come to my realization however, that not EVERYONE is in love with the column - or me for that matter. Yes, strutters - it appears as though I've ruffled a few feathers! .....I know, can you believe it? Lil' ole me ;-)

Before we discuss, why don't I share with you, a little comment that was left on my last blog. I'm sure some of you have already seen this - as you were the ones who pointed it out to me. But in any case, it's worth a second read:

Anonymous said...
hi there. stumbled upon your blog randomly.
things i have ascertained:

(1) you are ridiculously self-centred to the point where you have become a celebrity in your own mind.

(2) your height, of which you seem to remind the reader every few paragraphs, seems to have translated into your looking down upon people both literally and figuratively.

(3) your self-consciousness has led you to become an empty shell of a person.

(4) you are a trust-funder douchebag. is there even a sliver of humanity inside you or are you going to just blindly go through life being an alcoholic clotheshorse?

So, y'all ("y'all" - I picked that one up while I was in the midwest...so trashy and fabulous that I couldn't bear to leave it behind). Anyway, y'all know that I'm "this" much bitchier come ANY Monday morning....my dogs are still barking from my regular Sunday shopping marathon up and down Bloor (being the 'clotheshorse' I am and all)....I've blown last week's 'trust-fund' cheque and have to wait until Wednesday to get the new one (how is anyone supposed to live on $5,000 a week?)....and last but not least, my AA meetings are on Monday nights and they're SO uptight at those meetings - I can't even sneak a cocktail in ALL day or they'll smell it on my breath - it stresses me out.

So, mid-Monday morning.....I'm minding my business at my desk - trying to get through the day without biting anyone's head off before noon. Then, my boss pops her head into my office and mentions how she loved the latest edition of "Struttin'" - but asks if I had seen the comment that was posted over the weekend. I say, "No"...and then a look of panic comes over her face. Of course, I log on and discover the delightful message from "anonymous".

Let me tell you strutters, "anonymous" brought sunshine to my normally gloomy Monday morning. I read it again and again and again....it was a SCREAM!

Then, I started to analyze - because that's what I do best.....analyze. Why that woman standing beside you on the subway decided to wear open-toed shoes in the middle of March (not to mention why ANYONE would wear such hideous shoes in the first place)? Why the guy who you met at the gym hasn't phoned you yet - even though he said he was going to? Why Matt Dillon looks better at 41 then he did in the 'Flamingo Kid' 20 years ago? Why I'm still single? (...I've come up with quite a list for that one....and I'm sure "anonymous" has to ;-)

Anyway, in true CSI-fashion, I begin to analyze...and these are the things that I have ascertained:

FYI - I'm calling "anonymous", 'Mouse' from here on out because I'm not only sick of writing "anonymous", but I also think it's quite fitting, non?

1) Mouse is a fantastic writer. Having graduated with a degree in literature myself - I can truly appreciate his style, technique and delivery. Well done - you've impressed me! (Although, I have a sneaking suspicion that Mouse thought he was dealing with just another airhead who purchased a generic degree on the internet - with her trust-fund, nonetheless).

Surprise! I gotz myz edu-ma-cashion....SNAP!

2) Mouse is a dude. I'll even go as far to say he's a dude who plays for my team. He may be still warming the bench (and he may not be sure if he'd like to 'pitch' or 'catch' on the field) - but let me tell you strutters, he's destined to be a Blue Gay!

At first, I thought Mouse might have been a chick that I've pissed off somehow in the past - and not even realized that I've done it. You know - the sensitive types who get all upset over some small comment you made about their hair - and they remember it - FOREVER. Anyway, the sensitive types would never have enough balls to write something like this - they'd get their gay best friend to do it for them. And if they DID have the balls ....they would at least attach their name to their "internet" message OR just say what they had to say to my face...and in that case, we'd be Best-Friends-Forever.

3) Mouse either: a) has a little crush on me, or b) is a sordid affair from my past. And so help me lord, Lucky - if this is you - I told you that it's O-V-E-R.
I can't handle you continually hurting me again and again....it's too painful.

4) Mouse is a true inspiration for us all. Not only did Mouse take time away from his busy schedule of saving all mankind to browse random blogs...but he also took the time to share his thoughts on an empty-shelled, self centered person like me. Thank you, Mouse. Thank you. You've forever changed my course in life.

5) Mouse needs to get laid. He is obviously extremely uptight and needs to release some 'stress'. Unfortunately, your kind and romantic words haven't won me over. YET. (Hint: If you liquor me up - your chances will increase ten-fold....but you probably already knew that, didn't you?)

6) Mouse is probably 5'3". The fact that I mentioned my height TWICE (as opposed to the "every paragraph" that Mouse pointed out) - really struck a chord with my new friend....which leads me to believe Mouse suffers from SMS (Short Man Syndrome). For those of you who don't know what SMS is - it's a disease that cultivates within men who feel inferior to men who are freakishly taller than themselves (such as myself) - often causing them to be very confrontational. Some sufferers of SMS have even been known to carry crobars around with them in their briefcases - but it obviously threw off their equilibriam and the added embarassment to their already bruised egos was too much to handle - so it stopped.

In many cases though, these "shorter" men are not short at all. It's a just a personal point of view. In fact, shorter men are often preferred among women and gay men. For example, in comparison to my tall stature (damn.....there I go again, looking down on people), the 'gays' (as my mother likes to call them), prefer smaller men- as it's easier to toss 'em around the bedroom. In fact, I've heard that many have even mastered some pretty impressive acrobatic routines in the love den.

And for women, well....I think my friend Aubs once said it best:

"Short. Stalky. And built like Rocky."

So, you see Mouse - being short is a good thing.
Take it from me - finding designer with a 36" inseam IS NOT CUTE.

All said and done, I like Mouse. I think we could have a great friendship. I know it's a longshot - but I hope that I hear from him again. Not only did he make me laugh on a Monday (something that no one has accomplished before!) - but he's actually turned my own self-image of celebrity into a reality. Momma always told me, "When they start hating you - and they take the effort to tell you - you know you've made it!"

So, thanks again Mouse. I'm assuming that you won't have the time to read my column again - with you saving the world and all - but I did want to extend my appreciation....your assessment of me was BANG ON!

However, I unfortunately have to bounce....I have to get back to work at my not-for-profit job in the arts and culture sector. Boy, just goes to show what a lack of passion and a trust-fund can do for a girl. BANG ON, I tell you....BANG ON.

And now for the real meat of the column...here you go strutters. Enjoy!

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STRUTTIN' 101

What to sweet: Cadbury Mini Eggs
They're only here once a year - Indulge!
I've just gone through 6 Mega-bags whilst writing to my new friend, Mouse

What to drink: Wasabi Caesar @ Chinadoll (587 College Street, Toronto)

What to eat: Tex Mex Chicken Salad @ Hair of the Dog (425 Church Street, Toronto)

What to movie: V for Vendetta - Opens this weekend!

What to TV: Project Jay - Life Network - this Sunday - March 19th @ 8 pm

What's on m(i)Pod: Big Fun - Inner City

For the ladies.....

What NOT to wear: Leggings (they're EVERYWHERE)

What to bag: LeSportSac

What to hair: Beaded Hairbands

What to accessory: Foxy Jewellery

What to skin: Dove Calming Night Body Wash

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DIRTY 'DISH'ES

• Ryan Seacrest picking up the $4,000.00 tab on his date with "the train-wreck" - otherwise known as Teri Hatcher
• As you may or may not have heard - 'Dallas' is coming to the big screen....here's the latest casting news rumour: J-Lo will play Sue Ellen, Shirley MacLaine will play Miss Ellie, John Travolta will play J.R. and Luke Wilson will play Bobby Ewing....why don't they just go ahead and make a sequel to 'Dukes of Hazzard' while they're at it?
• Stuff magazine readers were recently polled and it turns out more of them would rather spend a night with Saddam Hussein than Tom Cruise
• Gwen Stefani to start her own magazine
• Lindsay Lohan is the new face of Louis Vuitton - this time try and keep yo' titties IN the dress, sweetie!
• Michael Douglas gives his '2 cents' in this month's GQ about the Brangelina-Chinnifer Aniston saga: 'I don’t know about Brad Pitt, leaving that beautiful woman [Jennifer Aniston] to go hold orphans for Angelina [Jolie]. I mean how long is that going to last?' Uh, well, let's just say they'll still be together for the rest of your lifetime....so at least a month - two tops.
• Speaking of Brangelina - the rumours are (once again) flying that the couple are to be married at George Clooney's mansion in Italy this weekend
• ...and the most horrifying dish this week....As you know, my hatred for Keira Knightley's fay is growing at alarmingly rapid rate. In fact, I despise her so much, that I might even drop-kick her fay before Fergie's - given the opportunity. Anyway, since Oscar night, that wench has apparently been spotted on the arm of my Jakey at a gazillion parties in and around Tinsel-town....game on, bitch! GAME ON.

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CHECK IT OUT!

Flava of the Week: The uber-hot waitor at 606 (606 King Street West, Toronto) - thanks for passing along, Madge!

* Dolce & Gabbana's Men's Underwear Launch - bringing together three of my favourite things: locker rooms, six packs and tight under-wears....

* Celebrity Mimi-Me's

* Next year's Oscar host? ...I think so.

* Deep Dish's rendition of one of my favourite songs: Dreams feat. Stevie Nicks

* "Hey ladies, check out my pipes!" - courtesy of Mr. J.....(I particularly love how he starts screaming for "Mama!") Classic.

* This clip's been circulating for a while - but just in case you missed it. I play it everytime I need a little laugh....watch how Beyonce just keeps givin'er.....THE SHOW MUST GO ON!

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WUZ' HAPPENIN'

* Madonna will play Stereo in Montreal this June - stayed tuned for details!

* Tero Saarinen Company (helsinki) March 14th - 18th -- premiere dance theatre -- 8pm
http://www.blogger.com/ http://www.harbourfrontcentre.com/

* Grupo Corpo (belo horizonte)
March 21st through march 25th -- premiere dance theatre -- 8pm
http://www.blogger.com/ www.harbourfrontcentre.com

* DC Sample 2006 Spring Sale -- March 30th to April 1st -- 11 am to 7 pm Lot 332, 332 Richmond Street West, Toronto

* Fashion Cares Media Launch
April 3rd

* Bloor-Yorkville Sante
The Bloor-Yorkville Wine Festival
May 2nd-7th

* Fashion Cares -- 20th Anniversary
June 3rd -- Metro Toronto Convention Centre, South Building, 222 Bremner Road 5:30 pm - 4 am
www.fashioncares.com

Well, that's it for another week. Keep struttin'!

"And always remember, no matter how hard you try....you'll never be as good as me!" Smith

EVERY-thing's bigger in Miami....

First and foremost, I have to ask: Why in the hell do we live through these Canadian winters?

#1 - it dries out our skin
#2 - it causes SERIOUS cases of tanorexia (I'm speaking from personal experience...although, I must say....I look fantastic!)
and...
#3 - it forces us to workout that much harder come May 1st...knowing the first long weekend of the summer is just around the corner and there'll be a pretty good chance that you'll be prancing around the cottage in your man-kini after a round of Century Club and a pitcher of daquiris

Life is SOOO much more fabulous in the sun....especially when it's the sun in South Beach
...and for the record, I AM rubbing it in.

*SNAP

Unless you're illiterate or just completely oblivious to my subtle gravelling - I'm sure you're all aware that I took a mini-vaca last week to visit my girls (Nikki and Lisa) in West Palm Beach....
....and let me tell you fellow-strutters....
....the moment my new white driving shoes stepped off that plane....my S.A.D. was cured!

My new shoes - AND the bitch sportin 'em - were made for struttin'!

My besty Sachi and I landed on Friday afternoon in WPB. The airport - and more importantly, the people in it - were a real treat! Not to sound like a snotty bitch - but let's face it, I am - Floridians are a bit....shall we say, tac-kay? Floral prints, old-age sunspots, blue-hair blow-outs, six-inch Lee Pree-ons and gold jewellery....they LOVE their gold jewellery. And we're not talkin' J-Lo in "Jenny from the Block" gold jewellery...it's Target (pronounced Tar-shay in the southern parts) jewellery.

They were not ready for us.
Between the Prada-sunglass-wearing-Japanese girl and the six-foot-four-fag-using-the-moving-sidewalk-in-the airport-as a-catwalk-to-showcase-the-new-kicks....
They certainly were NOT ready for us.

Nikki and Lisa picked us up and we bee-lined it directly to South Beach. The primary reason for this trip was to chill with my ladies in WPB....but I figured, if Miami's only an hour away....why the hell not make a road trip out of it? Plus, it's SOUTH BEACH - it's hot, it's over-the-top, it's fabulous - it's ME!

Miami is the epitome of over-indulgence. EVERY-thing's bigger in Miami - tits, lips, sunglasses, drink lists, the number of hot-spots, food portions, upper-bodies, certain parts of (the male's) lower body ;-)....hell, I even encountered a gal who's upper-body was bigger than my entire lower body....and I have a f*cking 36" inseam. Take a looksy.....



I'm 6'4" and was standing straight....and my "girl-friend" (as everyone insisted on calling her all night) was still a full head taller than me. I'm telling you strutters, everything is bigger in Miami. A freak show? Maybe - but it's one that I'd pay to see anytime.

I'd only been to South Beach once before - but history obviously has a tendency of repeating itself. Let me share....

Four years ago, I was accompanied to Miami by three lovely ladies. I got absolutely "rhaested" in the lobby of our hotel - as they hosted a happy hour from 6 - 10 before the guests went out for the night. I lost my ladies at the bar and soon found myself grinding with a strapping young lad from Germany at TWIST - the dirtiest of all Miami gay nightclubs. Then, the next morning, who's stumbling down Collins Ave. in a pair of leather pants and a tank top showcasing a bejewelled British flag across his chest? You guessed it, strutters - yours truly.
(And yes, I had leather pants....is it really that surprising?)

Now, cut to last weekend:

Again, I was with three lovely ladies. We hosted our own happy hour in the hotel room. I got "rhaested" on Champagne/Red Bull and danced in my man-kini and pointy-toed shoes (a-la Brokeback Mountain). We went out. I lost them. And before I knew it, I found myself doing Jaager-bomb shots with "Benny" at TWIST nightclub. Then, early Sunday morning, who's stumbling down Collins Ave? You guessed it - yours truly. Only this time, instead of leather and jewels....I was missing a contact lens and eating a bag of Ruffles chips with a container of French Onion dip. Although my style has vastly improved over the past four years - my class still needs a bit of nurturing. But it was worth it - those chips and dip were DIVINE.

*sigh.

All in all, an absolutely amazing time...

from the games of "Who'd Ya Rather" on the beach
to
the six hours we spent on the Clevelander patio
to
finding the 'time-outs' throughout the day to satisfy Lisa's tapeworm....

it was 'good times', strutters. Good times, indeed.

A huge thank you to Nikki and Lisa for having us. I miss having you two around.....can't wait for Round Two.

On that note, here's this week's edition of 'Struttin' - South Beach Style...celebrating everything "MIAMI".

Enjoy!

_______________________________________

People wanting to STRUT with SMITH?
E-mail me at:
pauledwardsmith@gmail.com
(New strutters welcome - I'll add you to my mailing list)
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STRUTTIN' 101 - South Beach Style

What to lunch: Fiesta Salad @ California Pizza Kitchen

What to dinner: Kobe Beef Burger @ The Cheesecake Factory



Moi, Sachi, Nikki, Lisa and some dude named Ryan
Cheesecake Factory

What to drink: Miami Vice (perfect 'swirled' blend of Pina Colada and Strawberry Daquiri)

What NOT to drink: Anything from the alcohol 'slushy' machines at Wet Willy's
(Especially steer clear of "Call-A-Cab" - 3/4 rum, 1/4 battery acid)

Where to stay: The Shore Club

Where to get your afternoon 'drunk on': The Clevelander

(Ask for 'Glory' - the best damn waitress on the beach....we drank our faces off all afternoon and the bill only came to $70.00....Mind you, it didn't hurt that Glory was a big ol' dyke and wanted bump 'muff'ins with my friend Lisa - but hey, I've done a lot worse for free drinks before)


"Raeshted" at The Clevelander - 4.16 pm - February 25th - South Beach, Miami

Where to pre-drink: The lobby of the Delano Hotel

Where to get a tongue shoved down your throat: Prive


Pre-tongue darting on the dance floor

Where to dance your ass off: Opium

Where NOT to go: SNATCH

(If you didn't have a vagina - you weren't getting in! The rudest door-men I've ever encountered)

Where to have "straight" Latino men fondle your privates: TWIST



Where to late-night: The 'late-night' diner at the corner of 11th and Washington
(I was busy late-nighting in 'other' areas of the city - but my girls recommended the "All-Day-Brekkie")

Where to Ice Cream: Coldstone's - it's happiness in a bowl - "a true delight!"

FYI - a Toronto location is opening soon....I'll keep you posted

What to Chew: Orbit Gum - Spearmint

What's on m(i)Pod: "Don't Stop" - Brazilian Girls

I was introduced to this beat by Nikki (via our WPB-BF Ryan) and it's HOT! Check it out.

What to DVD: "In Her Shoes"

After treating her sister like a pile of shit, crater-face Cameron Diaz is booted from her sister's (Toni Colette) apartment. With no where to go, she decides to travel to Miami to meet her estranged grandmother (beautifully played by Shirley Maclaine). Sappy? Yes. Worth renting? Absolutely.

What to movie: Miami Vice

(Stars Jamie Foxx and my future-husband, Colin Farrell....opens July 28th)

What to TV: Re-runs of "The Golden Girls"






The Golden Girls (The Early Years)
Taped on location in Miami
Sophia, Rose, Blanche and Dorothy




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For the ladies:

What to shoe: Slouchy boots

What to wear: Gaucho Pants (in white)

What to accessory: Collagen

Where to shop: Black and White (City Place - West Palm Beach)

Where to bargain: Sawgrass Outlet Mall in Fort Lauderdale

(If you like to shop - you just found heaven....designer at cheap..cheap..CHEAP!)
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Quote of the VACA:

Paul: "Who's cuter....A or B?"
Sachi: "I don't really care 'cuz all I know is, A + B = ME"
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CHECK IT OUT!

* Steffi Graf sitting in front of yours truly on the flight back to Toronto

* Madonna's fay-lift (well...sort of)

* One last spoof on (what I'm predicting will be this year's Best Picture at Sunday's Oscars)
Brokeback Mountain (bunny-style)

Breaking News:

In a protest against plastic-face bitches invading the Canadian East Coast (and more importantly, so I personally don't have to hear that wretched limey-accent on the news all weekend), I've taken it upon myself to club Heather Mills McCartney to death - with her very own wooden leg.

"Flava of the Week" - Not quite a s cute (or beefy ;-) as his brother....but he won me over.

* I'm OBSESSED with Tim Gunn ('Project Runway') and the fact that he uses on of my fave words "Ug"....well, I just had to include this. I pee' a little.

* Selected words from Smith's Dictionary:

"Hid" - hideous
"Ug" - ugly, hideous
"Fay" - face; as in he has a 'hid fay' "BF" - Boyfriend
"Tanorexia" - someone who goes to the tanning beds at least 4 times a week....such as myself

HUGE Birthday Wishes to:

Jenny H. in the "Forest City"

Matty J. (...better late than never)

Sarah L. in Cow-town

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WUZ' HAPPENIN':

* L'Oreal Fashion Week - Liberty Grand - March 13 to the 17

* The new potsmoking, gay-marrying, freedom loving new feature doc Escape to Canada opens March 10th and runs for a week at the Bloor Cinema.

"Shocking revelations! Patriotic rushes! Stonervision!"




*Culture City: New Toronto Buildings
Culture is at the centre of city-building in Toronto, with six major capital projects underway and five others recently completed or in the planning stage. In an unprecedented display of cultural critical mass, the Art Gallery of Ontario will bring all of these projects together for the exhibition Culture City: New Toronto Buildings, opening March 9 and continuing through December.

The exhibition will feature scale models of expansion projects undertaken by six world-recognized Ontario cultural institutions - the Art Gallery of Ontario, Canadian Opera Company, Canada's National Ballet School, Royal Conservatory of Music, Royal Ontario Museum and Toronto International Film Festival Group. The five other institutions - the Gardiner Museum, Ontario College of Art and Design, Ontario Science Centre, Roy Thomson Hall and Young Centre for the Performing Arts - will be represented by large-scale colour photographs. A map of the city will situate each project, illustrating the remarkable physical impact of this cultural transformation.

For More info: Art Gallery of Ontario - http://www.ago.net

* SNAP! A Photographic Fundraiser for the AIDS Committee of Toronto

DATE: Mar 12, 2006
START: 6:00 pm To 11:00 pm
LOCATION: National Ballet School
ADDRESS: 400 Jarvis Street
COST: $40.00
STYLE: Business Casual
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That's it for another week strutters....

Until then...always remember....

"No matter how hard you try - you'll never be as good as me..." - Smith