STRUTTIN' TO THE BEAT OF YOUR OWN DRUM

So, before I jump into this week's column - I first need to divulge my inspiration for this week's 'strut'. Believe me fellow strutters, I am ready to 'WORK-IT-OUT' this weekend! If you know me at all, you KNOW that I'm an incredibly moody bitch through the winter months - partly because I suffer from S.A.D. but more importantly, because I know that I'm destined to marry Josh Duhamel (drop-kicking Fergie's ugly mug in the process) and being whisked away to the Greek Islands - leaving this shitty Canadian winter behind us.

*sigh.

That being said, my social calendar pretty much crashes after New Year's Eve and I usually re-surface on a patio somewhere in the city around mid-May. However, two fabulous friends of mine (who I don't see nearly enough) convinced me to join them for a dinner party last night. (...catch was - the dinner party was being filmed - it was a pilot episode for a new reality show based around the concept of - you guessed it - a dinner party).

I figured the whole concept was a recipe for disaster - no pun intended.

I was obviously hesitant but then, I pictured myself crawling into bed, inevitably eating the left over Haagen-Daaz in the freezer and being sucked into yet another awful episode of the O.C....so I said, "F*ck it, why the hell not....it might be my big break."

Cut to Thursday night - I arrive at the party and stand - somewhat awkwardly - in the kitchen doorway, waiting for the other guests to arrive (little did I know - they were in 'hair and make-up"). When I heard the words, 'hair and make-up', I started to sweat a little.

Why hadn't I been invited to the hair and make-up suite?
Was I not good enough?
Had I met my match with these other "guests"?
Would they out-STRUT me (or at least, attempt to)?

Then, they all breezed in - one right after another. There were 8 guests in total - 7 of which were female and then moi - the token homo. Sure enough, these gals had 'Struttin' potential....each one of them packed perfectly into their Se7en jeans - ready to apply a new layer of lip gloss on a moment's notice. They were armed and I must admit, I was a little frightened. Then, practically in unison, they all asked: "Where are the drinks?"

I'd died and gone to heaven....a room oozing with vanity, designer jeans and bottles of champers....I'd found my oasis. Although I was a bit camera-shy at first, I warmed up to atmosphere and my new fellow strutters. They were "Fierce (slash) Fabulous".

We talked of our alma mater "Western" (is it all beginning to make sense now?)
We talked about our Oscar picks.
We talked about tanorexia.
They talked cosmetics
(Side note: apparently the new CHANEL compact is guarenteed not to break if it's dropped because it was designed with the assistance of NASA engineers). Hmmmm....okay, not sure about that one.
We even talked about boys - new prospects, old flames.

Hell, we even came to conclusion that a couple of their ex-bfs have purchased a one-way ticket to Brokeback Mountain....not that I could confirm that or anything ;-)

It's a small social circle in which we stut, bitches. Very small indeed.

All in all, a fantastic night! I stumbled home feeling refreshed and happy to welcome my new friends onto the catwalk. And thanks to them, I've taken Swiss Chalet off my speed dial and I'm ready to paint the town pink! Have a fantastic weekend....Enjoy!

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With Oscars only two weeks away and all of my recent conversations regarding "Brokeback", I thought I'd include David Letterman's TOP TEN list spewed out earlier this week - just in case you missed it.

Top 10 Signs You're a Gay Cowboy:

10. "Your saddle is Versace"
9. "Instead of 'Home On The Range', you sing 'It's Raining Men'"
8. "You enjoy ridin', ropin', and redecoratin'"
7. "Sold your livestock to buy tickets to 'Mamma Mia'"
6. "After watching reruns of 'Gunsmoke', you have to take a cold shower"
5. "Native Americans refer to you as 'Dances With Men'"
4. "You've been lassoed more times than most steers"
3. "You're wearing chaps, yet your 'ranch' is in Chelsea"
2. "Instead of a saloon you prefer a salon"
1. "You love riding, but you don't have a horse"

STRUTTIN' 101

WHAT TO TV: The Amazing Race
(the 9th edition - no families - 5 continents)
February 28th -- CTV -- 9pm
http://www.cbs.com/primetime/amazing_race9/

WHAT TO DVD: Beautiful Girls
Celebrating it's 10th anniversary - definitely one to own.
Cast - Matt Dillon, Uma Thurman, Timothy Hutton, Rosie O'Donnell, Lauren Holly plus many other juicy b-list celebs - except for a young, magnificent Natalie Portman...I adore her!

WHAT TO MOVIE: TSOTSI (premiered at the 2005 Toronto International Film Festival - now nominated for an Oscar in the Best Foreign Film Category - opens February 24th)
http://movies.aol.com/movie/main.adp?mid=23764

WHAT TO DRINK: Caramel Apple Martini

WHAT'S ON M(i)POD: Be Without You (White Label Mix) - Mary J. Blige

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For the ladies (SPECIAL EDITION)

WHAT TO HAIR: It's all about the Pony Tail (positioned high and a 'lil messy)

WHAT TO SHOE: Treetorns

WHAT TO WEAR: Pencil-leg jeans ("super-skinny, super-tapered"....overheard at Olympus Fashion Week in NYC)

WHAT 'NOT' TO WEAR: Olympic Gear - it's just wrong

WHAT TO BAG: Betsey Johnson "Good Girl" Hobo (in Chocolate Brown)
http://store.nordstrom.com/product/product.asp?styleid=2874491&refsid=131244&refcat=2376779~2376804~2384445~2385025&SourceID=&slotid=1&origin=related-boutique

WHAT TO SEE: Nicole Ritchie for Jimmy Choo (I know they're dated - but I cant get enough)
http://www.jimmychoo.com/index_flash.html

SECRET WEAPON: Body Shop Coconut Lip Balm

WHERE TO "BROWS": Do your eyebrows look like this?
(click here: http://i2.tv2.dk/images/s/a090d0e4e9814f9c817dcc6ebff67787/618056.jpeg)

If you hesitated, get your ass to Salon Daniel in the Soho Met Hotel. Ask for Narges - she's the best esthician in the city.

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"DIRTY DISH-ES"

• Looks like Kiki (aka Kirsten 'Drunkst') is continuing to eat her way through Hollywood's list of hot and eligible actors. Rumour has it she's now linked with WALK THE LINE's Joaquin Phoenix. Shame...a god-damn shame, I say.
• Lisa Marie Presley got hitched for the 4th time (leaked today that she married some guitar-playing hack from her band back in January). Good luck with that.
• Rachel McAdams walked off the set of the photo shoot for the cover of Vanity Fair featuring Tom Ford, Scarlett Jo and Kiera Knightley (which was mentioned in last week's column) after refusing to show some TNA for the spread.
• The Olsen twins are the new "faces" for the Badgley Mischka's 2006 fall line
• My absolute favourite show - Grey's Anatomy - is losing a main character at the end of this season...stayed tuned to find out who??

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CHECK IT OUT

Sofia Coppola's long-awaited follow-up to LOST IN TRANSLATION is MARIE ANTOINETTE. Check out the trailer - it's set against New Order's track "The Age of Consent" - brilliance - the only downfall is that it stars Kirsten "Drunkst"
http://movies.aol.com/movie_exclusive_marie_antoinette_trailer

I'm obsessed with Parker Posey. We need to see more of her. My favourite Posey line:
"Wipe that face off your head, bitch!" - DAZED AND CONFUSED
Check her out in the new Pepsi ad with Jimmy Fallon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YM0f3rEihw

"FLAVA OF THE WEEK" - Paul Walker
Check him out on the cover of TORO Magazine - being this hot should be illegal....
www.toromagazine.ca

BREAKING NEWS: Oprah's REAL Interview with Tom Cruise
http://bestweekever.blogs.com/best_week_ever_blog/2006/02/tom_cruise_on_o.html

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HUGE B-Day 'Shout-Outs' to my girls MADGE and JODY! Looking forward to Saturday....I've been practicing my dance moves so you better watch yourself!

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WUZ' HAPPENING

*the 28th Rhubarb! Festival
Canada's Premiere New Works Festival. Shows, Events, Panels & Parties. The 28th Rhubarb! Festival is a 'meeting of the minds' served up to nourish artists and audience members alike. We hope to inspire with our full-to-brimming line-up of approximately two dozen new works, Toronto's first-ever Performance Creation Canada Conference, outrageous special events, hot opening nights, and an expanded Indie Theatre & Dance Trade Forum. Rhubarb was first produced by Buddies in 1979, and is the country's oldest new works fest. Rhubarb is more than a festival; it is a commentary on theatre - on how we create it, on how we present it, and on how we experience it. Here we allow the artist and the idea to be the centre of attention. Here the artist is left alone on an empty stage facing a curious and hungry audience. The trappings of traditional theatre are purged in favour of a stripped-down approach, where inspiration and invention are genesis. Feb 2 - Feb 19 @ 8pm. Evening Passes $15, Week Passes $20, Festival Passes $40, Late Night Events $5Buddies In Bad Times www.snap-toronto.com

* bloor yorkville sante
the bloor yorkville wine festival
may 2nd-7th

* fashion cares -- 20th anniversary
june 3rd -- metro toronto convention centre, south building, 222 bremner road -- 530pm-4am
www.fashioncares.com

Until next week bitches....
...always remember....
"No matter how hard you try -you'll never be as good as me"
Smith

IT'S THE MOST HORRIBLE TIME OF THE YEAR......

In celebrating my 28th consecutive without a Valentine....

I've decided to dedicate this special edition of STRUT to all of the other singles out there....LONLEY HEARTS UNITE.

So, tomorrow, when that hideous beast who works in accounting gets a bouquet of red roses delivered to her desk and you find yourself asking, "How the hell did she score a BF?".....please remember three things:

1. You haven't seen what he looks like
2. Red roses (much like the day in itself) are not only cliche - but unclimatic
3. There are thousands of other men and women who are experiencing this exact, same episode right now...an episode I might add, that will probably force a majority of these other single men and women to the local watering hole, in an attempt to avoid all things Valentine.

So get your ass out there this Valentine's Day and embrace your single-hood. Hell, you may not be able to celebrate it much longer....especially if that cute guy (with the nice ass) from advertising decides to do the same.

Good luck, (single) strutters.

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SMITH's Top Ten Songs: Celebrating Sex, Sluts and Spoiled Relationships
....being 'single' is fabulous!

1. I Touch Myself - The Divinyls
2. Naughty Girls Need Love Too - Samantha Fox
3. How Many Licks - 'Lil Kim
4. Short Dick Man - 20 Fingers
5. Tainted Love - Soft Cell
6. D-I-V-O-R-C-E - Tammy Wynette
7. It's Not Right (But It's OK) - Whitney Houston
8. I Gotta Go (I Gotta Leave) - Vivian Green
9. I Will Survive - Cake
10. Thorn In My Side - Eurythmics

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In the spirit of spoiled relationships, I'd thought I'd pass along an e-mail that I received a few months back. Apparently, the content of this e-mail is true....a romance between a young man and woman gone COMPLETELY wrong. I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I did!

(Again, all heresay....but worth the read even if it's total sh*t).

First her apology and then his response follows. WARNING: may offend some.

THE BREAK-UP

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I
feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I
am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people
in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would
ever want to wrong in any way.

There is no excuse at all or anything that happened, so I won't even try
other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a
stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve
it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us,
what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.
It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or
something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if
you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond
crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am
hoping that you didn't.

I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this
is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and
stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I
can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to
say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and
you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate
feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I
am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what
happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just
about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there
with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in
the world to rewind and fix it.

I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you
won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for
getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at
your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be
great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel
like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was
not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really
don't think I can handle that.

I am so sorry.
Elizabeth

BRAD'S RESPONSE:

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for
"Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less
about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to
carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of
whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45minutes
while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you
ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is
grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and
degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour
span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k
him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care
less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world
revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly
Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to
consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight.

The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible
person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling
blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn
collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T
chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's
seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint
of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin
Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the
men's room.

The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the
young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last
Saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it
happened. By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin
class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder
thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a
little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I forwarded about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,
Brad

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WHERE to the GET THE GOODS!

Whether you're single, married, in an open-relationship or merely looking for a good 'lay' this February 14th - please check out these stores to help make your day (and night) that much naughtier. Huge thanks to Aubs for passing this along...

Recently Toronto Life rated the naughty shops in town and since we know you’re all a bunch of pervs, we thought you might find it interesting. Here’s the condensed rundown…

1. Lovecraft - 27 Yorkville Ave., 416-923-7331

An institution since ‘72, with a mainstream feel, middle-aged staff and a 59-year-old grandmother owner; offers more than a thousand books. You may run into: The upscale baby boomer set. Those looking to spice up a second marriage.

Priciest Item: The Eroscillator 2 ($199.98), a Dr. Ruth–recommended accessory that boasts 3,600 oscillations per minute and more attachments than a Kitchen Aid.

Celebrity Endorsement: Club Jenna, a line of products molded from plaster casts of porn star Jenna Jameson’s privates (deluxe model, $219).Funniest Film Title: G Marks the Spot.

2. Priape - 465 Church St., 416-586-9914

A lifestyle franchise that doesn’t feel like a franchise or even really a sex shop, with inventory ranging from fashionable chain-mail tank tops to naughty comics (The Incredibly Hung).

The Clientele: A cross-section of villagers: leather bears, club kids and muscle-bound gym queens.

Priciest Item: Weapon of Ass Destruction ($449.95), includes the label “for professional use only.”

Celebrity Endorsement: The John Holmes Realistic, named after the inspiration for Boogie Nights’ Dirk Diggler.

Funniest Film Title: Everybody Does Raymond.

3. Seduction - 577 Yonge St., 416-966-6969

An anonymous, department store vibe, toeing the line between upscale boutique and trench coat dive. The basement is filled with porn, while the third floor houses crazy stuff that will send you running for the door.

The Clientele: Giggling first-timers, gag gift buyers, strippers with an industry discount.

Priciest Item: The Real Doll ($11,999), a “partner” so lifelike it costs more than college.

Celebrity Endorsement: The colourful iVibe Rabbit, popularized by Sex and the City.

Funniest Film Title: Crouching Tranny, Hidden Drag Queen.

4. Good for Her - 175 Harbord St., 416-588-0900

A homey sexuality centre with comfy seats, herbal tea and informative workshops…you’ll think you’re in the library.

The Clientele: Those for whom patchouli is a signature scent, university students interested in doing some at-home sex ed and scholarly Annexoises.

Priciest Item: The Liberator ramp ($199), a foam pillow to help you into compromising positions.

Celebrity Endorsement: The Tristan ($66.85), a thingie designed by Village Voice columnist Tristan Taormino.

Funniest Film Title: Viva la Vulva.

5. Come As You Are - 701 Queen St. W., 416-504-7954

An artsy, hip co-operative boasting local porn and erotic photography classes (sounds like the place to be if you’re looking for some extra cash)

The Clientele: A trendier-than-thou Queen West crowd, eager to plug their iPods into an Audi-Oh vibrator, which pulses in time to music.

Priciest Item: The titanium Le Lynx vibrator ($480), invented by aerospace engineers—the space-age material transmits vibrations super-fast.

Celebrity Endorsement: The Royal line of toys ($34–$70), from everyone’s favourite senior sexpert, Sue Johanson.

Funniest Film Title: Conasseur.

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WHERE TO STRUT

I've included a couple of parties that are happening tomorrow....Hope to see you there!

Read my lips. Long before the air guitar, even after
the love is gone and over my dead body,
there was and always will be our first love, the fist microphone.

7a*11d presents: THE OVER MY DEAD BODY

Lip Sync Smack Down
Tuesday February 14, 2006
Valentine's Day!
The Gladstone Hotel Ballroom (1214 Queen St. West)
9pm door/$10

Host: Keith Cole
introduces the lipsync serenaders
including:
Allyson Mitchell, Andrew Harwood, Andrew J. Paterson, Chad Dembski, Chandra
Bulucon, Dell Brown, Ed Johnson, Elle McLaughlin, INA + INA, Johanna
Householder, Kirsten Johnson, Laura Nanni, Lindy Zucker, Louise
Liliefeldt, Paul Couillard, Paul Hutcheson, Roy Mitchell, Canadian
Performance Art Idol Shane MacKinnon, Simone Moir, Zoë Stonyk
Fabulous raffle prizes generously donated by: Art Metropole, Buddies
in Bad Times Theatre, Delight Chocolate, John Fluevog Shoes, Mercer Union,
Swallow Restaurant, Wonder Works, YYZ Artists’ Outlet, YYZ Books and more!

For more information:
www.7a-11d.ca
www.gladstonehotel.com

F*&K VALENTINE'S DAY KARAOKE PARTY
The Boat @ 158 Augusta S.
Kensington Market
10 pm
Remixes provided my Dick Suck Charlie

Happy Valentine's Day, Bitches.
Smith