DANCELIFE....

OK, strutters - did you SEE last night's episode of THE HILLS? Do.You.Love.It?

I can't get enough....I'm officially obsessed.
Love Whitney. Love Audrina. Love LC.
Love.Love.LOVE!

I don't know what I'm going to do with myself after next week's finale?

WARNING to MTV's Dan and Jessi: You're.Not.Ready!

Yours truly is planning on snuggling right up in between you both next week...mic in hand....

And speaking of the AFTERSHOW, if you caught last night's episode - you would have also caught the boys from MTV's DANCELIFE.....including my BF - Kenny.

How adorable is he?
I know, I know - he's 13....but man, that accent. Bend me over and call me SUSAN!


My BF - Kenny

Blake - on the other hand - is a WHOLE other story.
Who does he think he is?
Did you notice how he kept staring at the monitor to see himself while he was on TV?

Nothing short of annoying.

And FYI, sweetie - you're CLEARLY gay....stop pretending otherwise.


Gay Blake

And while we're on the subject of DANCELIFE....

For a city that sells itself on diversity, energy and a "thriving" nightlife - why is it so damn difficult to find a decent dance-floor in this metropolis that we call Toronto?

Back in the day, when I was still living in the 5-1-9 (and still pretending to be straight), every Friday was routine:

I'd jump into my 1988 burgundy Pontiac Tempest and gun it down the 401 for a fun-filled weekend in the "big smoke". With a majority of my friends graduating from Western a year before me, my trip to Toronto was THE highlight of my week. With my hair full of fresh blonde highlights, Whitney Houston thumping from my cassette deck and my favourite black shiny pants laid out on the backseat of my car....I was READY! (....however, Toronto was NOT!)

Word to the wise: Black shiny pants do NOT exactly represent a macho, butch, straight-male. Nor does a Pontiac Tempest, Whitney Houston or blonde highlights....but I digress.

Not really having spent a lot of time in Toronto before, I told everyone that I had heard of this "fantastic club" and I wanted to have my 22nd birthday party there.

And this "fantastic" club's name, you ask?
THE JOKER.

Obviously, not being true friends - they all agreed - and away we went. Thinking we were at the coolest place in Toronto, I drank 56 Wildberry coolers and did high-kicks until the sun came up.



After moving to the city however, I came to the realization that there were actually more "upscale" night spots than the beloved JOKER - spots that were packed with hip scenesters, spun wicked tracks...and most importantly....places where you didn't have to dodge bullets on the d-floor. With the at-home-blonde-highlighting-kit and black shiny pants in the trash, I began to frequent such clubs as Aria, Element, Turbo....and if I was feeling extra naughty....System Soundbar and Guvernment. All of these places GUARANTEED a great night and DEMANDED you to work.it.out when it came to busting a move. But all of this aside, there was NEVER any attitude. (This could have been a result of everyone being jacked up on pharmaceuticals....but you get my drift).

I remember one Friday night about 5 years ago, my sista Sammy and I had just polished off our 7th bottle of wine and we decided to venture to The Comfort Zone - mostly because it was 10 steps away from her front door - but also because we were curious. We'd heard that some crazy shit happened behind the walls of CZ but we never actually witnessed it for ourselves. Cut to the two of us standing in the middle of the d-floor....our mouths hanging open in awe....watching these kids take turns breakdancing on a piece of tattered cardboard. Each and every one of them threw it down and they all had such respect for one another. They even supported my dear Sammy when she cut the shit out their cardboard whilst doing the "Running Man" in her stilettoes. However, when she went down for the backspin - I knew it was time to get the hell outta there.


From the "Running Man"
to
Bum-Pumps!


Shortly after becoming a permanent fixture on the T.O. scene, I was out eight nights a week. I was like a fat kid in a candy store.....I couldn't get enough. One weekend (shortly after the Comfort Zone adventure), I was out with the usual suspects at System Soundbar. I have no idea who I was trying to fool avec my sleeveless PornStar shirt and white visor (tilted sideways, of course) - but I was still pretending to be interested in the "va-jay-jay". So....there I was....doing my thing in the middle of the bar....attempting to look as butch as I could. And then, all of a sudden, I catch this dude staring at me from across the room. Slowly but surely, he shimmied his beefy little ass over to where I was doing a horrible job at trying to ignore him. Before I knew it, he was ALL up in my biz-nizz. He was blonde...he was surfer-esque...he was built...he was HOT! At first, I resisted - but he persisted - and my weakness prevailed.

Pandora's Box had been opened and I didn't care to find the lid - the force was now with me.

I soon became the Mayor of Motown (Motown = Gay Village)....and I found the vibe, music and crowds to be even more inviting than the straight clubs. I remember going to the opening of IT Nightclub and thought I had died and gone to heaven. Scantily-clad go-go dancers, world renowned DJs and 4 AM drag shows that left the homos yearning for more.


IT Nightclub - "It's a Boy's Life"
Sunday Night Party Series

I became a Gold VIP member at 5ive Nightclub within a matter of weeks - often perched on the side of the bar with a silver bowl of maraschino cherries....holding each cherry by its stem....asking the boys as they entered the club, "If they'd like to pop my......" ;-)

I was deemed the "Welcome Faerie".

And there aren't even words to describe The Barn....anyone who was there on a Thursday night at 3 AM knows exactly what I'm talking about. I'm still trying to figure out how the smell of jizz and Javex kept us coming back week after week after week....but it did.

The point is, regardless of where you decided to party....the vibe was always a good one. Gay or straight - people were there for music, to have a good time and to let loose.

Today?

A pulsating d-floor is a dying breed and random introductions amongst party-goers are a thing of the past. In fact, it seems that people don't go out with the intention of having a good time anymore - it's simply a matter to see and be seen.

Example? This past weekend, a group of us decided to hit the town to find a place to "let our hair down" and DANCE. We decided to check out the newly renovated 606 - now named CHEVAL (at King and Portland). Although primarily a Top 40 bar in it's day - we always seemed to have a really good time at 606 - so we thought it was an obvious choice. Upon our arrival, I was pretty impressed. Great atmosphere....decent music....cute door-man. HOWEVER, an hour later - it took a serious turn for the worse.

The place was crammed and I found myself being pushed to the middle of the (now) 3 x 3 d-floor. To the right - a group of eleven- and twelve-year-olds ordering bottles of Absolut and Veuve in the reserved VIP area. To the left, to the left - three Playboy Bunny wannabes - fully equipped with bad boob-jobs, acrylic nails and c*cksucker pouts. Accompanying the bunnies, a rotund Italian who was wearing a "D&G" tank top that (I'm pretty sure) he picked up at one of the vendor buildings for $9 at the CNE this past summer. I had was trying to make the best of the situation....that was, until the bunnies decided to take over my dancing space. Their ghetto-blonde-weaves started flying through the air (in unison) and as they gyrated - each bunny took turns stabbing me in the back with their concrete tits. This, in turn, evidently turned on the twelve-year-olds on the other side of the d-floor....as they started heckling and preying on the bunnies like a pack of horned-up hyenas.

Obviously, we left.

So, tell me strutters....where have all the good bars gone? And more importantly, where are the fabulous people that used to fill them? I'm losing hope - FAST. Please, don't get me wrong - there are a lot of cute places in and around the city - but a majority of these places, unfortunately, become quickly tarnished for one of the following reasons:

A) A cool new night spot may have a lot of potential (on the atmosphere and music fronts) but - within weeks of its opening - become inundated with 905-ers. (905-ers = the Vood-bridge Ginos who drive their Firebirds into the city every Saturday night, with hopes of getting laid by aforementioned "bunnies". However, their aggressive and barbaric attempts are often shot-down - resulting in drunken bar fights that ultimately ooze onto the intersection of John and Richmond Streets. Add a homo into this mix at 2:30 in the morning and I may as well stab myself in the neck...hence the reason I don't go out in this area....and nor should you.)

B) A cool new night spot may have a lot of potential (on the atmosphere and music fronts) but - within weeks of its opening - become inundated with SLUTS and SUITS. (SLUTS = money-hungry, 20-something women who stop by the bar after their shift at the nail salon. SLUTS usually have dental floss covering their nipples, reek of Pachouli and sport the "no-so-smoky-eye" as a result from their smudged mascara. After knocking back three Singapore Slings, the main objective of the SLUT is to get nailed by a SUIT. SUITS = pompous and arrogant Bay Street assholes who "think" that they're HOT - but in reality - have receding hair lines and beer guts. They're testosterone-induced rants about how much money they make and how many women they slept with the night before are not only obnoxious, but tiring.)

When speaking of the SLUT/SUIT combo, the Brant House comes to mind. Especially on Thursdays. Steer clear.


SLUTS!

C) A cool new night spot may have a lot of potential (on the atmosphere and music fronts) but no one GOES to the opening....and therefore, is doomed before it even got started.

My favourite "not-so-hot-spot....but-totally-should-be": Fuzion. Especially Saturdays. Gairy Brown puts on a fabulous party - and it should not be missed.

So, strutters - therein lies my dilemma. Where are the good ole party days of past? If you know something that I don't, PLEASE, share. In the meantime, here is the long OVERDUE edition of Struttin' With Smith.

Enjoy!

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STRUTTIN' 101

What to see: DISTURBIA

What NOT to see: PERFECT STRANGER (...honestly, one of the worst movies I've ever seen. It ranks up there with The Next Best Thing, Wicker Park and Basic Instinct 2. AWFUL.)

What to DVD: NOTES ON A SCANDAL

What to TV: THE HILLS Finale (MTV, April 23rd, 10 pm)

What to Eat: POTATO TART

Where to Eat It: COLBORNE LANE (45 Colborne Street, Toronto)

What to Drink: ABSOLUT PEAR CRUSH

Where to Drink It: MARBEN (488 Wellington Street West)

What's on m(i)Pod: First Time - Offer Nissum

For Da' Boys....

What to Bag: Paul Smith Travel Case

What to Jean: Earnest Sewn's White Denim

What to Shoe: Stan Smith - Adidas Tennis Shoe (I bought the white w/ the green trim ;-)

What to Pant: Roots "Salt and Peppers"

What to Accessory: Miracle Icons

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CHECK IT OUT.....

'FLAVA' of the WEEK: Fredrik Ljungberg ....Click here, here or HERE

LAUGHTER-NOON BREAK: "The Landlord"

D&G DO IT AGAIN: Check out the latest ad campaign here...

GRAB THE KLEENEX: Mario Lopez's Shower Scene on Nip/Tuck

ONE OF OUR VERY OWN: Amy Waters 'STRUTTIN'" with Kelly Osbourne


Be sure to tune into "Project Catwalk"
Mondays, 10 pm - SLICE Network

CLICK OF THE WEEK: www.thebreastcancersite.com

The Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on their site daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free mammogram a day to anunderprivileged woman. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "fund a free mammogram" (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site!

Pass it along to people you know.

PIC OF THE WEEK:


Downsie Down-Unda?
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BIRTHDAY SHOUT-OUTS....

Kate Bradley Carroll
Maria Herman
Meredith Lamb
Micki Rombouts
Erik Zundo
Nikki Lawless
Shannon Boyd
Paul Narciso
Christina Badame
Kari Hollend-Wright
Carly Gray
Lisa Peters
Jeff Merritt
Georges Arbache
Neil Schmidt


Happy "Champagne" Nik!

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Well, that's it for another week.

Keep struttin'!
And always remember,
'...no matter how hard you try....you'll never be as good as me!"

Smith