EVERY-thing's bigger in Miami....

First and foremost, I have to ask: Why in the hell do we live through these Canadian winters?

#1 - it dries out our skin
#2 - it causes SERIOUS cases of tanorexia (I'm speaking from personal experience...although, I must say....I look fantastic!)
and...
#3 - it forces us to workout that much harder come May 1st...knowing the first long weekend of the summer is just around the corner and there'll be a pretty good chance that you'll be prancing around the cottage in your man-kini after a round of Century Club and a pitcher of daquiris

Life is SOOO much more fabulous in the sun....especially when it's the sun in South Beach
...and for the record, I AM rubbing it in.

*SNAP

Unless you're illiterate or just completely oblivious to my subtle gravelling - I'm sure you're all aware that I took a mini-vaca last week to visit my girls (Nikki and Lisa) in West Palm Beach....
....and let me tell you fellow-strutters....
....the moment my new white driving shoes stepped off that plane....my S.A.D. was cured!

My new shoes - AND the bitch sportin 'em - were made for struttin'!

My besty Sachi and I landed on Friday afternoon in WPB. The airport - and more importantly, the people in it - were a real treat! Not to sound like a snotty bitch - but let's face it, I am - Floridians are a bit....shall we say, tac-kay? Floral prints, old-age sunspots, blue-hair blow-outs, six-inch Lee Pree-ons and gold jewellery....they LOVE their gold jewellery. And we're not talkin' J-Lo in "Jenny from the Block" gold jewellery...it's Target (pronounced Tar-shay in the southern parts) jewellery.

They were not ready for us.
Between the Prada-sunglass-wearing-Japanese girl and the six-foot-four-fag-using-the-moving-sidewalk-in-the airport-as a-catwalk-to-showcase-the-new-kicks....
They certainly were NOT ready for us.

Nikki and Lisa picked us up and we bee-lined it directly to South Beach. The primary reason for this trip was to chill with my ladies in WPB....but I figured, if Miami's only an hour away....why the hell not make a road trip out of it? Plus, it's SOUTH BEACH - it's hot, it's over-the-top, it's fabulous - it's ME!

Miami is the epitome of over-indulgence. EVERY-thing's bigger in Miami - tits, lips, sunglasses, drink lists, the number of hot-spots, food portions, upper-bodies, certain parts of (the male's) lower body ;-)....hell, I even encountered a gal who's upper-body was bigger than my entire lower body....and I have a f*cking 36" inseam. Take a looksy.....



I'm 6'4" and was standing straight....and my "girl-friend" (as everyone insisted on calling her all night) was still a full head taller than me. I'm telling you strutters, everything is bigger in Miami. A freak show? Maybe - but it's one that I'd pay to see anytime.

I'd only been to South Beach once before - but history obviously has a tendency of repeating itself. Let me share....

Four years ago, I was accompanied to Miami by three lovely ladies. I got absolutely "rhaested" in the lobby of our hotel - as they hosted a happy hour from 6 - 10 before the guests went out for the night. I lost my ladies at the bar and soon found myself grinding with a strapping young lad from Germany at TWIST - the dirtiest of all Miami gay nightclubs. Then, the next morning, who's stumbling down Collins Ave. in a pair of leather pants and a tank top showcasing a bejewelled British flag across his chest? You guessed it, strutters - yours truly.
(And yes, I had leather pants....is it really that surprising?)

Now, cut to last weekend:

Again, I was with three lovely ladies. We hosted our own happy hour in the hotel room. I got "rhaested" on Champagne/Red Bull and danced in my man-kini and pointy-toed shoes (a-la Brokeback Mountain). We went out. I lost them. And before I knew it, I found myself doing Jaager-bomb shots with "Benny" at TWIST nightclub. Then, early Sunday morning, who's stumbling down Collins Ave? You guessed it - yours truly. Only this time, instead of leather and jewels....I was missing a contact lens and eating a bag of Ruffles chips with a container of French Onion dip. Although my style has vastly improved over the past four years - my class still needs a bit of nurturing. But it was worth it - those chips and dip were DIVINE.

*sigh.

All in all, an absolutely amazing time...

from the games of "Who'd Ya Rather" on the beach
to
the six hours we spent on the Clevelander patio
to
finding the 'time-outs' throughout the day to satisfy Lisa's tapeworm....

it was 'good times', strutters. Good times, indeed.

A huge thank you to Nikki and Lisa for having us. I miss having you two around.....can't wait for Round Two.

On that note, here's this week's edition of 'Struttin' - South Beach Style...celebrating everything "MIAMI".

Enjoy!

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People wanting to STRUT with SMITH?
E-mail me at:
pauledwardsmith@gmail.com
(New strutters welcome - I'll add you to my mailing list)
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STRUTTIN' 101 - South Beach Style

What to lunch: Fiesta Salad @ California Pizza Kitchen

What to dinner: Kobe Beef Burger @ The Cheesecake Factory



Moi, Sachi, Nikki, Lisa and some dude named Ryan
Cheesecake Factory

What to drink: Miami Vice (perfect 'swirled' blend of Pina Colada and Strawberry Daquiri)

What NOT to drink: Anything from the alcohol 'slushy' machines at Wet Willy's
(Especially steer clear of "Call-A-Cab" - 3/4 rum, 1/4 battery acid)

Where to stay: The Shore Club

Where to get your afternoon 'drunk on': The Clevelander

(Ask for 'Glory' - the best damn waitress on the beach....we drank our faces off all afternoon and the bill only came to $70.00....Mind you, it didn't hurt that Glory was a big ol' dyke and wanted bump 'muff'ins with my friend Lisa - but hey, I've done a lot worse for free drinks before)


"Raeshted" at The Clevelander - 4.16 pm - February 25th - South Beach, Miami

Where to pre-drink: The lobby of the Delano Hotel

Where to get a tongue shoved down your throat: Prive


Pre-tongue darting on the dance floor

Where to dance your ass off: Opium

Where NOT to go: SNATCH

(If you didn't have a vagina - you weren't getting in! The rudest door-men I've ever encountered)

Where to have "straight" Latino men fondle your privates: TWIST



Where to late-night: The 'late-night' diner at the corner of 11th and Washington
(I was busy late-nighting in 'other' areas of the city - but my girls recommended the "All-Day-Brekkie")

Where to Ice Cream: Coldstone's - it's happiness in a bowl - "a true delight!"

FYI - a Toronto location is opening soon....I'll keep you posted

What to Chew: Orbit Gum - Spearmint

What's on m(i)Pod: "Don't Stop" - Brazilian Girls

I was introduced to this beat by Nikki (via our WPB-BF Ryan) and it's HOT! Check it out.

What to DVD: "In Her Shoes"

After treating her sister like a pile of shit, crater-face Cameron Diaz is booted from her sister's (Toni Colette) apartment. With no where to go, she decides to travel to Miami to meet her estranged grandmother (beautifully played by Shirley Maclaine). Sappy? Yes. Worth renting? Absolutely.

What to movie: Miami Vice

(Stars Jamie Foxx and my future-husband, Colin Farrell....opens July 28th)

What to TV: Re-runs of "The Golden Girls"






The Golden Girls (The Early Years)
Taped on location in Miami
Sophia, Rose, Blanche and Dorothy




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For the ladies:

What to shoe: Slouchy boots

What to wear: Gaucho Pants (in white)

What to accessory: Collagen

Where to shop: Black and White (City Place - West Palm Beach)

Where to bargain: Sawgrass Outlet Mall in Fort Lauderdale

(If you like to shop - you just found heaven....designer at cheap..cheap..CHEAP!)
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Quote of the VACA:

Paul: "Who's cuter....A or B?"
Sachi: "I don't really care 'cuz all I know is, A + B = ME"
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CHECK IT OUT!

* Steffi Graf sitting in front of yours truly on the flight back to Toronto

* Madonna's fay-lift (well...sort of)

* One last spoof on (what I'm predicting will be this year's Best Picture at Sunday's Oscars)
Brokeback Mountain (bunny-style)

Breaking News:

In a protest against plastic-face bitches invading the Canadian East Coast (and more importantly, so I personally don't have to hear that wretched limey-accent on the news all weekend), I've taken it upon myself to club Heather Mills McCartney to death - with her very own wooden leg.

"Flava of the Week" - Not quite a s cute (or beefy ;-) as his brother....but he won me over.

* I'm OBSESSED with Tim Gunn ('Project Runway') and the fact that he uses on of my fave words "Ug"....well, I just had to include this. I pee' a little.

* Selected words from Smith's Dictionary:

"Hid" - hideous
"Ug" - ugly, hideous
"Fay" - face; as in he has a 'hid fay' "BF" - Boyfriend
"Tanorexia" - someone who goes to the tanning beds at least 4 times a week....such as myself

HUGE Birthday Wishes to:

Jenny H. in the "Forest City"

Matty J. (...better late than never)

Sarah L. in Cow-town

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WUZ' HAPPENIN':

* L'Oreal Fashion Week - Liberty Grand - March 13 to the 17

* The new potsmoking, gay-marrying, freedom loving new feature doc Escape to Canada opens March 10th and runs for a week at the Bloor Cinema.

"Shocking revelations! Patriotic rushes! Stonervision!"




*Culture City: New Toronto Buildings
Culture is at the centre of city-building in Toronto, with six major capital projects underway and five others recently completed or in the planning stage. In an unprecedented display of cultural critical mass, the Art Gallery of Ontario will bring all of these projects together for the exhibition Culture City: New Toronto Buildings, opening March 9 and continuing through December.

The exhibition will feature scale models of expansion projects undertaken by six world-recognized Ontario cultural institutions - the Art Gallery of Ontario, Canadian Opera Company, Canada's National Ballet School, Royal Conservatory of Music, Royal Ontario Museum and Toronto International Film Festival Group. The five other institutions - the Gardiner Museum, Ontario College of Art and Design, Ontario Science Centre, Roy Thomson Hall and Young Centre for the Performing Arts - will be represented by large-scale colour photographs. A map of the city will situate each project, illustrating the remarkable physical impact of this cultural transformation.

For More info: Art Gallery of Ontario - http://www.ago.net

* SNAP! A Photographic Fundraiser for the AIDS Committee of Toronto

DATE: Mar 12, 2006
START: 6:00 pm To 11:00 pm
LOCATION: National Ballet School
ADDRESS: 400 Jarvis Street
COST: $40.00
STYLE: Business Casual
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That's it for another week strutters....

Until then...always remember....

"No matter how hard you try - you'll never be as good as me..." - Smith