EMBARRASSING MOMENTS….

It’s been a CRAZY week, strutters…..a crazy week INDEED! Between Reese, Borat and Brit Brit….well, let’s just say I haven’t been this ‘excited’ since I was 11 years old and found one of my mom’s old Chippendale calendars in the back of her closet.

…and before you ask, NO – I wasn’t trying on her shoes.

(OK, just one pair – but you would have too….they were hot - and come to think of it, so was that calendar!)

But, I digress. Back to the matter at hand – Britney and K-Fed. Three words:

GAWD. BLESS. PRADA.

We all knew it was coming – but did we really think it would take this long?

I always knew this was part of her master plan – but she’s a sneaky one, that Brit Brit - and I'll admit....I was losing hope at lightning speed. As she guzzled orange Fanta and let the thongs of her flip flops become infested with Cheeto-flavoured-toe-jams….a come-back seemed more and more dismal as each moment passed.

And then - THEN - the news broke that our Brit Brit was "with child"... for a second time.

(How she let that thug husband of hers pound away at her va-jay-jay - day in, day out - I still have no idea?) I can smell his 'stinky dinky' from here....*pinches end of nose*

That said, K-Fed's plan to take over the Spears empire seemed to be running its course - and rather smoothly, I might add. As "King of the Castle" - Britney was putty in his grubby little hands.

OR SO WE THOUGHT!!

Unless, you've been living on Pluto for past four days - you know the story:

Brit Brit appears on Letterman (not looking half-bad) - and then....the next day (the very same day that her hoodlum hubbie drops his debut album)...Ms. Spears' publicist releases a statement saying that Britney is kickin' K-Fed to the curb. Booyah! I.F*cking.Love.IT.

She's back, y'all....and I think this one's gonna trump the come-back of all time....

FLASHBACK to....Ms. Mariah Carey using her huge jugs to bust open the exit door from that crazy clinic....clawing her way back to the top in 2005 (....with the best selling record of the year ;-).

"We Belong Togetheeeeer."

We're in for a ride, strutters. Britney means business....which means K-Fed will be moving back, back, back to his roots - aka the Trailer Park - VERY SOON. Do I have proof, you ask? Check this out - it looks as though K-Fed's music career ended before it event started:

Because he had a pathetic 20% turnout in New York this past weekend, K-Fed dropped the price of tickets to his performance at the House of Blues in Chicago on Wednesday night to a whopping $0.00. That's zero. As in free. As in he's giving his tickets away for free. I'd joke that soon he'll be paying people to see him perform, but the thought of him with any money after Britney divorces him is too ridiculous to even joke about.

Embarrassing, non?

And speaking of embarrassing, I thought I'd share a few of my "most embarassing moments" with y'all....because as Mama says: "If you can't laugh at yourself, then you don't have the right to laugh at other people....like them retarded folk."

Enjoy!

#1) An Afternoon with BORAT

So, last Friday afternoon - hungover as hell from NOW Magazine's 25th Anniversary Party - a bunch of people from work decided to catch the premiere matinee screening of BORAT.

Kelly, Moi and Lisa

SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION

.....check out 'Yours Truly' on Page 55 of the 25th Anniversary insert in this week's issue of NOW Magazine....out NOW!!)

(please excuse my Shannon Dougherty eyes....I had ONE too many cocktails ;-)

Anyway, I settled into my seat to see the much-anticipated BORAT - and I began to crave a blue slushie (....something certainly not unheard of when I find myself in a hungover state, such as this).

After slurping and sucking away for the entire 84 minutes of Borat-bliss...I strutted out of the theatre and made my way down the escalator outside of the Varsity Cinemas in the Manulife Centre. With my dinner plans still a few hours away, I thought it would be a splendid idea to make a quick sprint through Holts to see if anything "caught my eye".

Well, let's just say there was LOTS that caught my eye....but I wasn't lookin' at the clothes racks (...if ya know what I mean?....wink, wink)

I've come to realize that Holt Renfrew is the common ground for hot, hip, HOT men. Some travel in packs....some peruse at their own leisure. Either way, it's the place to be if you want to "cruise" or "be cruised"....and this day was no different.

Cut to me - doing my best to pretend that I'm actually interested in the clothes....when, in fact.....I'm peering through the rack of Prada winter jackets to catch a glimpse of the real action. As I continue to strut the circuit of the Holts men's section - I welcomed SEVERAL very flirtatious smiles. I'm thinking: "I've got game....Must be these new jeans.....Bring it on!"

Now stung with a perma-grin....I skipped next door to Zara....where a series of similar events took place - ESPECIALLY with a particularly cute sales clerk - (he couldn't take his eyes off me!) Feeling fantastic and with the hangover now behind me....I decided that if I'm going to make my dinner on time, I better bolt. As I leave the store, I run into my dear pal Aubbie - who, in an instant - drops her water bottle and stares at my fay. She blurts:

"PP" (...because that's what she calls me). "PP - what happened to your mouth?"

Me: "Nothing. Well, I kinda have chapped lips because of the cold weather setting in, but...."

Aubbie: "NO! It looks like you have hypo-thermia. YOUR LIPS - They're BLUE!"

She drags me over to a mirror and sure enough, my blue slushie had raped my mouth. And I'm not talkin' just a blue tinge on my inner lips....no, no. The entire area around my mouth (about an inch away from my lips) - was turquoise. My lips - turquoise. My teeth - turquoise. My tongue - TURQUOISE.

MORT-I-FIED.

I had to wrap my scarf around my fay - a la Princess Jasmine - and put my ass in a cab.

I'm steering clear of Holt Renfrew for a while.

HOT, non?

#2) You Can Run, But You Can't Hide

About a year ago, I was running on the treadmill at TOTUM Fitness on King West. If you've been there - you know the set up. For those of you who haven't been, a brief description:

Walking in from King Street, you can see the upper level of the gym (open concept)....however, you have to go downstairs to check in before you can come up at the back of the gym. The treadmills and bikes are along the front of the upper-level, so these are the first things that one would see upon entering from the street. In turn, the treadmills and bikes are set up in front of two large windows, so one could see King Street while running and/or biking.

So, there I am, running on the treadmill - with my (then) roommate on the bike beside me. We're both engrossed in our cardio-sessions....iPods blaring. About ten minutes into our work-out, my roomie pokes me in the arm and points across the street. Through the window, I see a guy that I had been dating about eight-months prior. Normally, I wouldn't care about running into past dates/conquests/bfs/one-night stands....whatever. But for some reason....I couldn't seem to shake this one and the moment I saw him - I nearly swallowed my tongue.

Suited in full-gym-attire, I realized that he's crossing the street and is - at any second - about to come through the front door of the gym. I'm thinking - WTF? Why is this the first time that I'm seeing him here? Why didn't I wear shorter shorts? How does my package look?

With a plan to pretend not to notice him - I cranked the speed up on the treadmill as far as it would go. I'm not exactly sure what I was hoping to accomplish....perhaps I was attempting to win him back once he saw the "perfectly executed form of my running technique"? Who the f*ck knows?

Anyway, I am WORKING IT OUT on the treadmill....getting into the fast-paced groove just before the door swings open. (Please remember that my roomie is watching all of this go down and he knows EXACTLY what I'm doing - so he's already smiling in anticipation that I'm going to make an ass of myself). And sure enough.....

Out of my peripheral vision, I see the front door swing open. Knowing it's "him", I turn my head in the opposite direction to pretend that I'm talking/giggling/flirting with my roomie (...thinking he'd see this, come straight up to us and whisk me away to the showers). No such luck.

INSTEAD - as I turn my head - I lose my footing - stumble - and in an attempt to recover my balance - I dropped my iPod - the iPod hit the tread (going 1,000 miles an hour) - and shot across the back of the gym - taking out a Nicole Richie look-a-like at the water cooler. And if that wasn't enough, I actually never recovered my balance and ended up tripping AND flying off the treadmill as well.

People were staring. My roomie was pissing himself in laughter. I was DYING.

...and did "my guy" see it, you ask? Every second of it.

I cancelled my membership.

Charming, non?

#3) A "Political" Party

September 2004 - I was at the Opening Party for the Toronto International Film Festival. It was near the end of the night and I knew "last call" was upon us. They were serving these fantastic gin martinis - and everyone was loving them. The only problem was that it was creating line-ups at all of the bar stations.

But having a "nose for alcohol", I discovered a hidden bar at the back of one of the rooms at the party - with relatively no line-up. So, I stumbled over and got in line. But before I knew it, everyone had caught on to "MY" idea of getting in the shortest line-up.....(I'm such a trend-setter). People were getting pushy - some even tried to jump the line - which I was having NO part of.

Cut to me - in my hazy state (....OK, it was more of a sloppy state...but whatever....) and an older man and his Asian female companion come up beside me. He's tee-heeing...she's tossing her hair - and while all of this is happening - they're slowly positioning themselves in front of me. TAP, TAP, TAP on the man's shoulder.

Me: "What do you think you're doing?"

Older man: "Oh I'm sorry, did we cut in front of you?"

Me: "No...I've been standing here for ten god-damn minutes to save you a spot."

Asian woman: "Oh, you're feisty.....(smiles). Our sincere apologies....we didn't realize"

Me: (beginning to feel a little bad because they were both being so incredibly nice) "Well, it's OK....you can get behind me" *Tosses hair.

Older man: "And what do you do, young man?"

Me: (slurring) "I work for the Tranna Innernashinal Film Feshtival....Whaddya two do?"

Older man and Asian woman (in unison): "We're in politics"

Me: "Is that why you're wearing that tux and you're wearing that....what is that....a prom dress?"

Older man and Asian woman (in unison): Smile politely.

Me: "Whaddyar names?"

Older man: "Well my name is Jack Layton and this is my partner, Olivia Chow"

Me: "Oh F*ck. I'm so sawry."

Classy, non?

#4) The Vagina Monologues

I was in my third year of university and I was cramming for my "Philosophy of Science" mid-term. My roomie was also in the class, so we were quizzing each other before the exam. Just before we went in, I was having an extremely difficult time trying to memorize "Ptolemy's Philosophy on the Order of the Universe".

My roomie - being the "king of acronyms" - branded the following sentence in my brain to help me remember the order of the planets....

Maybe More Vaginas Should Make Jollier Sounds

M - aybe (MOON)
M - ore (MARS)
V - aginas (VENUS)
S - hould (SATURN)
M - ake (MERCURY)
J - ollier (JUPITER)
S - ounds (SUN)

Sure enough, the question was on the quiz. Smiling with glee, I wrote the following - not realizing I had done so:

Moon, Mars, VAGINAS, Saturn, Mercury, Jupiter, Sun

At next week's class, my professor returned the paper, whilst shaming me with his eyes. I'm like: WTF? Did I fail?

Upon reviewing my exam, I saw what I had done, as my professor circled the word VAGINAS about 20 times in red pen...sprinkled with a plethora of arrows and one big "?"

I could never look at my professor again without feeling as though I had a big, red "V" branded on my chest.

And here's this week's column....

___________________________________________________________________

STRUTTIN' 101

What to DVD: Melrose Place - Season One (...finally, strutters. FINALLY!)

What to TV: Brothers and Sisters - Sundays at 10 pm - ABC (LOVING Justin...)

What to Movie: BABEL - Opens nation-wide TODAY!

What to Drink: Polar Bear Shot (1/2 oz creme de cacao; 1/2 oz peppermint schnapps)

What to Eat: Classic Burger at the KiWe Kitchen

587 King Street - Toronto - Kitchen severs until 4 am on the weekend.

What's on m(i)Pod: Clumsy - Fergie

______________________________________________________

CHECK IT OUT.....

~ THE LEAF BLOWER

In true Hallowe'en spirit, Kelly and I dressed-up as the MOST FRIGHTENING duo there is....

Belinda Stronach and Tie Domi

...the resemblance is scary, non?

____________________________________________________________

~ GYLLENHALL MOVES BACK INTO THE TOP 5.....

Most of my friends have a "Top 5" list. "Top 5" meaning the top 5 guys/girls you'd like to sleep with....but will probably never have a chance (...except for in my case ;-)

Jake's always been a fave of mine (...uh, hello! LOVELY AND AMAZING!) Haven't see it? ...then RENT IT.

However, in recent months - Jakey-poo has fallen off the radar due to his highly unusual obsession with Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong (...I'm sorry - I just don't buy the "bike-riding-spandex-wearing-I-smell-like-feet-grizzly-man" thing that they've got going on??)

That said, after seeing this pic - he's going back up! Hell, I'll even put him at the top!

Mmmmmm, mmmmmmm......

____________________________________________________________

~ CALLING ALL LAGUNA FANS....

Rumour has it that Jason (L.C.'s ex) is now dating Kristin Cavallari (L.C.'s arch-rival).....while L.C. is still going strong with Brody Jenner (Kristen's old flame)....confused yet?

_____________________________________________________________

~ AND PEOPLE SAY WE LIVE IN A PROGRESSIVE SOCIETY?

....Click here (Thanks Justin)

_____________________________________________________________

~ "FLAVA" of the WEEK

Patrick Wilson (.....you MUST see LITTLE CHILDREN...his ass is nothing short of DIVINE!)

_____________________________________________________________

Y'all know how much I LOVE Nicole.....but for the love of Prada....EAT A BURGER, BITCH!

(Thanks for passing along the pic, J.)

______________________________________________________

~ ROCK THE VOTE!

Strutters, make sure you all get your asses to the voting poles this Monday, November 13th!

...and if you live in Ward 20 (Trinity Spadina)....

VOTE CHRIS OUELLETTE

<---------------------------

___________________________________________________________

BIRTHDAY SHOUT-OUTS.....

~ BIRTHDAY SHOUT-OUTS....
Maria Arman, Erykah Werner, Jen Alsop.....and last but CERTAINLY not least.....my lova -





Sarah and Amy









Sarah Tuite.....I hope you had an amazing day!

_______________________________________________________

~YOU'RE INVITED!

All strutters, please feel free to drop by the "Mistletoe Mixer" happening on Saturday, December 16th at the Stealth Lounge (above The Pilot - 22 Cumberland St. - Toronto).

Your hosts: Sachiko and MOI!

No Cover - Special Guest DJ - Cocktails - Dancing....it's what we're calling.....

A NOT-SO SILENT NIGHT!

Feel free to bring boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, friends....and all of your HOT, single friends....please RSVP to mistletoe_mixer06@hotmail.com

Hope to see you there....mwah, mwah.

__________________________________________________________

Well, that's it for another week. Be sure to tune in next week when I report back from the WINDY CITY....

Keep struttin'!

And always remember, '...no matter how hard you try....you'll never be as good as me!"

Smith