Well, its official – Autumn is finally upon us. Long gone are the days of flip-flops, short shorts, summer flings and Sunday afternoon patio sessions with the “girls” (which, I might add, often took us into the wee hours of Monday morning).
~ Cue the rustling leaves
~ Send in the cute co-eds suited in tweed
~ Bring on the “left-over turkey” sandwiches
I LOVE FALL.
A season where the fashion far outweighs any other – READ: “shopping”.
A season that brings a new crop of university boys, all secretly vying to be the next campaign poster boy for Abercrombie & Fitch whilst frolicking on football fields throughout the city – READ: “a REAL reason to watch the sport”.
A season that celebrates the birth of one of the most amazing talents and beauties that I’ve ever encountered – READ: “me”.
(…cuz lets faces it strutters, we all know that it ALWAYS comes back to me).
Kidding! (…not really).
For me, September has always marked the beginning of a new year - a fresh start, if you will. Although I would never admit to it as a kid, I was always really excited to go back to school – new teacher, new faces, new experiences – the world was mine for the taking!
Yeah, RIGHT. Despite my optimism, my dream was always short-lived. Let me provide you with a few examples:
Grade Five (1st Day) – My fourth grade teacher deciding to move up a grade over the summer, hence gracing us with his presence for yet another year.
Grade Three (1st Day) – Being assigned to sit beside Cam Hume, a kid (who, only one year prior) shit his pants in the middle of the classroom. To his credit, the unsuspected bowel movement was induced by a (rather mild) thunderstorm. But, really! Only me, strutters…..only me.
Grade Ten (1st Day) – Due to my ridiculous obsession to Ketchup chips and the new ‘slushy’ machine that made it’s debut at the local Becker’s store over the summer of 1992 – well – let’s just say I gained a *few* lbs during our summer hiatus. Fortunately, my summer weight-gain prevented the “GLC Rejects” (please see below for definition) from stuffing me into my locker – a joyous act that was exercised daily throughout my freshman year. HOWEVER, just because my fat ass could no longer be squeezed into a locker, did that mean the Rejects’ fun had to stop? No – no it did not.
Cut to: ‘Yours Truly’ being propelled into the washing basin (a.k.a. “bird bath”) in the boys’ bathroom....water running, of course.
Charming, non?
GLC Reject: GLC stands for Guided Learning Candidate. These individuals often have the scholastic (and social) aptitude of a broom handle and therefore, are often put into a “special” class or programme – guided by educators who have a true passion for helping the retarded.
….and please, do not confuse my terminology of “retarded” with an actual “mentally challenged” individual – i.e. Corky from my favourite 80’s Sunday night television series, LIFE GOES ON. For the record, the “Corkys” of the world are far superior in the areas of intelligence, grace and personality – in comparison to the GLC Rejects that seem to invade and contaminate each and every high school.
In my opinion, is it the GLC educators who deserve the highest regard in our educational system - if not for their time, than definitely for the patience they exude whilst working with baboons, day in – day out.
Despite the assistance of these educators however, Guided Learning Candidates often opt for the opportunity to make bongs in shop class (…if even going to class at all) and therefore – evolve into “GLC Rejects”.
*Sigh…..to be back in high school again.
PUH-lease. I’d rather have my eyelids sewn to the carpet and beaten with a wooden spoon then go back to that hell-hole.
But, I digress.
Where were we? Ah, yes….FALL – a new beginning!
As you’ll remember from my last posting, I’m very in tune with the “small town strut”….which brings me to another one of my favourite things in the world – and I’m talking – OBSESSED.
Fall Fairs.
I LIVE for the annual Glencoe County Fall Fair. And if you haven’t experienced a county fair before….well, then you haven’t lived.
Carnies, Corn Dogs, Mullets, Big Belt Buckles, Walking in Cow Shit, 14-year-old girls cat-fighting on the midway over pimpled-faced boys, the “Parade” - and my personal favourite….the Annual Harvest Queen Competition.
Oh, strutters….YOU – ARE – NOT – READY! This is white trash at its finest – and I’ll be the first to admit that - I EAT IT UP.
A few weeks ago, my lil’ sister called to tell me that she would be running in this year’s Harvest Queen competition.
Me: “That’s fantastic!” (…whilst secretly doing cartwheels in my head because – as opposed to years past – this year, I actually HAVE an excuse to marvel in all the “freak show” glory).
Sis (….in true 18-year-old fashion): “Whatever. I’m only doing it ‘cuz Mom said she’d buy me a new dress.…Oh, I have call-waiting…it’s in two weeks if you want to come. See ya.”
Cut to the big night. First and foremost, the Harvest Queen competition is part of a larger “Variety Show” – showcasing local talents (or lack thereof). The Variety Show takes place in a large building called “The Cow Palace” – a venue used to show cattle throughout the remainder of the year.
Are you dying yet?
The Cow Palace also houses a baby competition that takes place on the Saturday afternoon of the Fair – a competition, I might add, that I dominated some 28 years ago, taking home the 1st place ribbon.
*Flips hair.
And in on this night, the Cow Palace had a packed house - a sea of scrunchies, banana clips and John Deer trucker caps – and they were INTO it. Three hours of high-adrenaline entertainment – we saw the crowning of the Homemaking and Baking Queens (who were 116 and 129 years old, respectively)…..we were captivated by the mesmerising powers of a Cuban hypnotist (no one could understand a word he said)….and, we were taken on a musical voyage by a local family folk band…..where, during the final number, the 16-year-old daughter of the group broke out into a an Irish jig. Let's just say she was a bit on the “bigger” side - and I think she had on her 9-year-old sister’s top – because it didn’t exactly fit. Her titties were bouncing ALL OVER that stage - the poor thing had two black eyes by the end of her performance.
Then came the finale – the crowning of the Queen. There were a total of 8 contestants – one of which was a guy – do you think he might be a homo? Long story, short – my sister didn’t snag the $2 tiara – it went to some Barbie-look-a-like with perky tits and a constipated smile. HOWEVER, my sister did walk away the prestigious title of Miss Congeniality.
Then again, she is related to me ;-)
Happy FALL – and please, don’t eat too much bird this weekend.
Enjoy this week’s column…
Gobble, Gobble.
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STRUTTIN’ 101
What to Eat: “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” Sandwich – Sandwich Garage
(509 Church St., Toronto - it's at the back of Pusateri's)
What to Drink: Triple Bill
(1 shot - Amarula, 1 shot - Skyy Vodka, 1 shot - Grand Marnier….shake, pour and knock it back!)
What to Movie: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (Opens Today!)
What to DVD: Stick It
What to TV: Brothers and Sisters
What’s on m(i)Pod: The Long Way Around – Dixie Chicks
Julie and J-Rock...
For the dudes....
What to Jean: Nudie - Thin Finn
What to Shoe: Converse by John Varvatos
What to Jacket: Paper, Denim and Cloth Military Jacket
What to Wear: Marni Double-breasted Cardigan
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CHECK IT OUT....
Happy Birthday, Ms. J.
Birthday Shout-Outs:
Chris Ouellette, Colin Pendrith, Dianna Klisanin, Chiara Lacey, Melissa Walls, Ryan and Andy, Gillian Young, Miss Jeffery Kirkwood, Allison Daisley, Jim Quan, Lara Semeniuk, Maggie Mrowka….and of course, moi!
Happy Birthday, Mel.
‘Flava’ of the Week: John Stamos…yes, Uncle Jesse is hotter than ever!
I caught the season premiere of ER last Thursday (I think this is the show’s 53rd season) and I’m sorry….but it needs to be said….Mr. Stamos is looking mighty fine!
Disagree? Click here, here, or here.
Not bad for someone who just celebrated his 43rd birthday, non?
~ Everything you wanted to know about Zanta but were afraid to ask... (Thanks Justin)
"Zanta"
~ Laughternoon Break....Click Here.
~ Think you know your stuff when it comes to horror flicks? Click Here.
~ The city election is fast-approaching! If you live in Trinity-Spadina (Ward 20)....Chris Ouellette is your man! Take a look at his website....http://www.chrisouellette.ca/.
Toronto. Community. You.
~ Thanks to the girls at Jeanne Lottie for a fantastic party at TIFF this year!
Well, that's it for another week. Keep struttin'!
And always remember, '...no matter how hard you try....you'll never be as good as me!"
Smith
posted by Smith @ 5:20 p.m.
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