Gettin' Busy...

Miss me?
Thought so.

So, as you know...I've recently been neglecting my duties as the "King of Strut". For this, I apologize.

I was actually prepared to provide y'all with substantial arguments that defended - not only my recent lack of guidance in the technique of the perfect STRUT - but how "busy" I've been; and how I've had "absolutely no time"; and how my "schedule has been sooooo crazy"; yadda, yadda, yadda.

But, as the lines of bullsh*t began to dance across the computer screen - explaining my "absence", I thought to myself - this isn't true. This isn't true AT ALL. The truth is that I've been a lazy f*ck and I haven't been bothered to sit down, take the time to craft my thoughts and spread joy to the very deserving struttin' world.

There's simply no excuse - except for pure laziness! (...well, maybe laziness and my "slight" obsession with the Hair of the Dog patio and my new-boyfriend-who-doesn't-know-he's-my-boyfriend-yet, who's been servicing - ahem, I mean - SERVING me extra spicy caesars in this hot and sweaty summer weather).

Spicy & Sweaty - can you really ask for anything more?

Anotha? YES, PLEASE!

I digress. So, although a bit curt and direct, did you not appreciate my honesty as to why I've been neglecting y'all over the past few weeks?

Was the truth really that hard to handle? Would you have preferred me to sugar-coat the bullsh*t - knowing that you'd see right through it anyway? I think not.

So, why do we do it? Why do make up excuses when - both, the deliverer AND recipient of the excuse - know that it's complete bullsh*t? I was just completely honest with you and it was actually quite liberating. And in being honest with you - I also didn't challenge your intelligence by automatically assuming you'd fall for my line.

So, if the truth actually does in fact set us free...why do we rely on excuses and exaggeration to make ourselves feel better about a situation? Any situation.

Let's look at the world of dating, for instance. I thrive in a social circle that consists of young, hip, professional, scenesters - and although some are in serious relationships (....or even married...poor things!) - MANY of my friends are still on the dating circuit....and they've all said the same thing at one point or another:

What's with the lame-ass excuses? Moreover, why do people (and in this case, people being men...both straight AND gay), use the "I've been so busy...." excuse when it comes to the ever-so-famous brush off?

It's actually quite simple - if you don't want to go out again....just say so. Why waste each other's time? (I have a theory that men often don't make an actual "break" because they like to line-up some "back-ups" in case they hit a drought - but that's an ENTIRELY different column).

Let me enlighten you with an example. Let's say you're dating this fantastic new guy - you've made it past Date #3 (what I like to call the "Make or Break" date) - and everything's jiving the way it should....he's affectionate, complimentary, laughs at your jokes. It's good. Then suddenly, one day - you start to notice that the once cute and perky phone calls turn flat....the e-mails (when you do receive them) are taupe, at best....and eventually, your text messages go unanswered.

Obviously, you start to analyze: What happened? Did I say something to offend him? Did I have bad breath on our last date?

So, much to your dismay (knowing that it's over) - you go and buy six tubs of Ben & Jerry's and hibernate on your sofa for a few days - thinking your life's total shit and that you'll be alone forever.

*You suddenly envision yourself at 42 years old - sitting at WOODY'S in a pair of ass-less leather chaps and drinking a Bud Light, wondering if anyone will talk to you??* Shakes head - Okay, maybe that's just me.

But, the point is - you get over your moment of despair and realize that it "wasn't meant to be" (...don't you HATE when you're friends tell you that?...) and you carry on with your life. And THEN - just when you're "over it" - you run into him on the street (usually when he's looking hotter than ever and you're looking pink and puffy from just leaving the gym). BUT, you keep your composure and try to take the higher road, initiating conversation. Inevitably, there's the awkward "how've ya been....good/how've ya been.....good" moment - then he, instinctively, says: "I was thinking about you. I was actually just going to give you a call. It's just that I've just been soooo busy...".

Puh-lease. This is where I have a problem! Don't piss on my leg and then tell me it's raining.

Seriously, y'all. Do men honestly think that we (and in this case, "we" being women - including gay men ;-) believe that their life is soooo hectic, that their sorry ass can't pick up the phone for a 5 minute conversation? Pal, if you're that busy.....you shouldn't be dating in the first place.

AND, for all you who are reading this right now who actually believe that these gents (gay AND straight) are actually sooooo busy, that they don't have time to call....then you deserve to be taken out back behind the barn and be shot square between the eyes. I'm here to tell you - they're bullsh*tters.

And I LOVE hearing the excuses that girls and gays think of when they're trying to rationalize the absent phone call (...and trust me, I'm not criticizing - because I used to do the same...):

"....wuuuull, what if he got sick and he's in the hospital?"
or
"....wuuuull, what if his grandma died and he's upset?"
or (and also my personal fave)
"...wuuuull, what if he lost his cell phone? MY NUMBER'S IN HIS CELL PHONE!"

Wake up and smell the CHANEL, sweetie! If he wanted to talk to you (....whether he be stuck under bus....in the middle of a root canal....whateva.....); if he TRULY wanted to talk to you - he'd find a way to do it. NO EXCUSES!

Yet, another example: ________________________________________________________
When: Some Thursday night, Spring 2005
Who: Thelma and Louise (myself and my roommate)
Where: Main Drag in Motown (Motown can be defined as: the village in which the homos hang - some more "freely" than others, I might add)

So, there we were - struttin' from bar to bar - purses swinging - hair tossing - the form was flawless. (OK, OK - since we're talking about honesty...we were actually stumbling - we lost our purses - and our hair was a mess). ANYWAY, at the end of the night - we landed at this dirt-hole (formerly known as "The Barn"). To give you a sense, The Barn smelt like Old Spice, spooch and Javex...BUT, the tunes were fierce....the boys were cute....and if you let the bartender fondle your kibbles and bits, he'd hand you free drinks under the bar after "last call".

From the moment we entered the bar, Louise started cruising this cute-lil-flight-attendant (we'll call him "Francoise" - I forget his name at the moment - but I do know he was French). Before we left, Louise ended up scoring Francoise's digits after a rather steamy make-out session in the corner. (I was so proud!)

Francoise had told Louise to call him when we got home. However, after sprinting into the house from the cab, grabbing the phone and then diving into her pocket to retrieve Francoise's number.... Louise realized she had lost the number (as it must have fallen out when she paid for the taxi).

I sat on the sofa, watching the drama unravel.
Me: "Yo' screwed, girl".

You see, Louise didn't know Francoise's last name. All she knew was that he lived in an apartment building in a certain area of Motown. Game over?

CUT TO: The next day. Friday afternoon.
Louise was calling me every 5 minutes at work wondering how she can get in touch with Francoise.

"Will I see him out again?"
"If I do, will he think I'm an asshole for not calling - and then ignore me?"
"Will he think that I was 'too busy' to call?" (...we'd talked about the "too busy" line MANY times before ;-)

Tired of listening to her whining and whimpering (...and partly to prove my point that there really is never an excuse for "not calling"....), I told Louise to meet me in the area where Francoise had said he lived after work that day. With Starbucks in hand, I took Louise from apartment building to apartment building, scanning EACH and EVERY name on the tenant/buzzer boards that are posted in the foyer of each complex. Remembering Francoise was French, we picked out all of those last names that showed any sign of French flava. Thinking I'm crazy (which, in hindsight, I guess I kinda was), Louise refused to call our candidates. So, I did it - as he stood beside me with keen ear ;-)

Long story, short - about the 5th number down our list in the first building - we had found Francoise! (...the machine kicked in and we heard "You've reached Francoise"; Louise recognized his voice; blah, blah, blah). Anyway, Louise left a message...three hours later.....guess who? Francoise returned the call.

Although their relationship only lasted 11 days, the hard fact is - if you really want to talk to someone - you'll make the effort to do so!

...or get at least 'yours truly' on the case.






'Yours truly'


________________________________________________________

Maybe my example's a little extreme. But, the point is, there's really no excuse for the absent phone call. And let's face it - if he isn't phoning - he's not into it. It's a harsh reality - but it's the truth...(You don't believe me? Get yo' ass to Chapters and pick up a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You").

And for the record, there's nothing wrong with someone not being into you - or, for that matter - you not being into him/her. The problem rests with people not actually saying it. Instead - the waiting games begin, the CSI investigation continues into finding his whereabouts and six months later - when you run into each other at a bar - you both pretend that you've never seen each other before - let alone acknowledging the fact that you've played with each other's kibbles and bits - on several occasions. It makes no sense, really.

I'm not preaching - gawd no knows I've used the line once or twice myself -but I've smartened up. Granted, I understand that some guys don't want to hurt the girl's/guy's feelings....but, in the long run....I think it will spare (the parties concerned) time, guilt and the anxiety of eventually running each other again one day one the street.

AND, if you don't take anything from this and insist on continuing with the excuses: Word to the wise - the "I've been sooo busy...." line - is sooo tired.

The best advice I can offer y'all is this: The moment you hear: "I've been meaning to call, but I've been sooo busy...." - grab your purse and run for the hills (hills = shoe department at Holt Renfrew).

I'm telling you - he's not worth your time. Besides, you never know who'll meet on your STRUT to pick up your new Pradas....

Happy struttin'....and enjoy this week's column! (...be sure to click on all of the links!)________________________________________________________

STRUTTIN' 101

What to DVD: Wolf Creek - By far, the best horror flick I've seen since the Blair Witch Project....RENT IT!

What to TV: Simple Life 4 - "Til Death Do Us Part" (Team Richie!)

What to Movie: Art School Confidential

What to lick: Power Pops

What to drink: Ice-cold Coronitas (mini Coronas)

For the guys....

What to hair: Kiehls' Stylist Series - Creative Cream Wax

What to shoe: Le Coq Sportif Sneakers (...I bought the white with turquoise trim)

What to denim: Levi's Stacked Skinny Jeans

What to wear: Plaid 'Bermuda' Shorts

What to (under)wear: Ginch Gonch Beater-Eater Briefs (...wrap your inches, in their ginches....)

What to skin: L'Oreal Mens Expert - Complete Anti-aging Moisturizing Cream

Where to tan: GLOW (9 Isabella St. or 74 Front St. - Toronto)

What's on m(i)Pod: All Night (Yes Ma'am) - Visti & Meyland

________________________________________________________

CHECK IT OUT!

* Reunited! "...never felt sooo good...."

* 'Flava' of the Week: Matthew Barber (I'm obsessed with his song, "The Plea")

* Birthday Shout-Outs....

Phil F. (May 20th), Sarah B. (May 21st), Sachiko (May 31st), Jose (May 31st), Lauren W. (May 31st) Katie V. (June 1st - Happy 30th!), Scooter (June 1st), Martine from Norway (June 7th), Deanne Burger (June 11th), Kyle J. in Ottawa (June 11th)

When this e-mail popped up in my inbox - I immediately started peeing. For those of you who don't know my bestie, Paula...I think the pic explains it all! TOO MUCH. This is what I call:

"DOWNSIE DOWN UNDA"

PD - I miss you soooo much....it was great talking to you this weekend. I can't wait to see in August.

* Justification that Paris Hilton is, in fact, an ASSHOLE

* Justification that Mariah Carey is, in fact, my HERO (...seriously y'all, who else could pull this off?)

* Disgusting...but you can't help to laugh!

* Clay Aiken - kd lang or Barry Manilow? You choose. I know I'm going straight to hell - but HOW ugly is that poor little twink that comes skipping across the stage at the beginning of the clip? Poor thing.

* The Jolie-Pitt Love Child: How long before Shiloh Pitt gets nicknamed "Piloh Shitt"? ....thanks Jimmy!

* Men: Are you trimming down unda? Well, if not - you should be! In fact, rumour has it that the lastest European craze (for men, anyway) is to take it ALL off. Apparently, men are concentrating primarily on the drapes...and removing the carpet entirely. I guess you could say that they're opting for 'hardwood' floors ;-). Even David Beckham has said to "take it all off".

* A similar routine with my grandmother at our family's Annual Mother's Day BBQ last month.....

I knew had seen this skank somewhere before - I just couldn't put my finger on it!

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WUZ HAPPENIN'

* Boy's Life Pride Celebration - Sunday, June 25th - Phoenix Concert Theatre - 410 Sherbourne Street - Toronto - Advance Tickets $15.00 - For more info: www.boyslife.ca

* Grapefruit - with dj shane percy - returns the second friday of every month June 9th - Fly Nightclub

* Jock U
Boyslife also brings us a new weekly night with DJ TK
Thursday, June 8th - Alibi, 529 Yonge Street - $10
www.jockU.ca

* Tea Dance on the Terrace
with DJ Cesar Murillo & George Chaker
June 11th - Level Nightclub, 102 Peter Street - 2-9pm, $15

* Pride: Toronto - Prism - Various parties and beer tents
June 22nd - 25th
www.prismtoronto.com

* Call for Submissions - 25th Annual Vancouver International Film Festival

This year’s Vancouver International Film Festival will run from September 28 to October 13, 2006. The deadline for Canadian Images submissions is June 15, 2006 (postmark or courier date).

Additional information about the festival can be obtained from our website at http://www.viff.org/ or you can contact Chris Adkins at viff@viff.org.

Well, that's it for another week. Keep struttin'!

And always remember, '...no matter how hard you try....you'll never be as good as me!"

Smith