"..if you're lookin' for an excellent mover, this is your guy"
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Move It or Lose It, Sista!

Miss me? Thought so.

Well strutters, the last couple of weeks have been nothing short of CRAZY for me! As many of you know from my cry for help last week, I found myself in a little "pickle" in respect to my living situation. (And speaking of 'little pickles'....I have a classic story for y'all - but we'll save that for next week...you'll die!)

~ Sigh. Only me, strutters, Only me.

Anyway, I recently made the decision to 'grow up' and get a place of my own. And for the record - NO - I wasn't living with my parents! But, I've always had a roommate (or roommates, for that matter)....but as I get closer to the ripe ol' age of twenty-ahem-FIVE....I've realized that I need my own space. I'm not saying that I haven't had great roommates...because I've actually been quite fortunate on that front. But in retrospect, so have they ;-)

Let's review for a minute, shall we?

~ I've lived with an Arabian Princess named Jasmine (I met her on a Disney Cruise).

~ I've lived with a newfie-couple. They were lovely. We got along really well...but mostly because I never really understood anything they said. I just nodded - or handed them a beer - and that seemed to suffice. Really nice to look at though! She had f*cking fantastic hair and he had an ass that didn't stop.

~ Then I lived the "Party Monster" herself. Strutters, this one gave me a run for my money! I've never seen anything like it. The girl would get up at 3:45 pm...still half in the bag from the night before....pour herself a rum (Bermudian, of course)....and then the accessorizing would begin! Cutting, ripping, pinning, tying, cuffing...you name it. One night I sat in on one her prep sessions....I was in complete aww! Beads, bracelets, belts, bow-ties. It was all there! Then, once an outfit was in place, the bitch sashayed up and down the halls of our basement apartment, whilst practicing her dance moves in front of the full length mirror to ensure nothing flew off the outfit. It was an absolute scream! Then she'd throw back her 12th shot and breeze out the door (Dior sunglasses and all)...and I wouldn't see her for four days. Ms. Kirkwood - you're good people.

All in all - I've had a very good ride....but it was time to take the next step. So, I started surfing housing sites and ended up looking at about 10 or 11 places (all dumps - you wouldn't believe the way some people live - it's absolutely revolting!). A bit discouraged, I turned to NOW Magazine and followed up with an ad for an apartment situated at College and Palmerston With Paul-merston being one of my favourite streets in the city - it was obviously meant to be. Perfect price, perfect size and of course....LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION. I practically took it on the spot - filled out the application and even slapped down a deposit. Long story short, I called early last week to confirm my move-in date and the slimey bastard gave the apartment to someone else....without even telling me??

Can you imagine my face? I was ready to rip his balls off over the phone - six days to find a new place before I have to be out of my current one. Sweet, eh?

Freaking out, I surfed craigslist.com and viewit.com for three hours and I set up five appointments for the following day. The results, you ask?

1st: I was almost molested by a bum while waiting outside for the landlord to show
2nd: Shared living accomodations in the house of a Portuguese couple - with a combined age of approximately 436 years old.
3rd: Had 5 foot ceilings. Do I need to remind you of my height again? Cuz I can - I have no problem with that.
4th: I saw something move under a pile of Pizza Pizza boxes in the corner of the bedroom .
5th: Smelt like cat piss.

I was f*cked. Storming (but still perfectly executing my strut) back to the office, I came across a lonely posting on a telephone pole. On a whim - with no other options - I ripped off the motherf*cker and called.
Saw it.
Loved it.
And am now moved in.

Moral of the story: Keep struttin'!

Can you believe it strutters? After viewing dump after dump from appointments made through the newpaper and off the web, I found my new porno palace while struttin' down the street.....

(I seriously thought Mouse had done some major voodoo damage on my gay ass....)

But alas, it all worked out. So, there's my excuse. Sorry for not checking in earlier - but I'm back....in full swing!!

A huge thanks to Charles (the incredibly sweet...and master strutter himself) for giving me a shout-out on his 4PAWS column....I appreciate it.

And as always - if you want on my mailing list OR have any dish, gab or evil comments that you want to send my way....please feel free to e-mail me at:

pauledwardsmith@gmail.com

On that note, here's this week's edition of "Struttin'". Enjoy!

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STRUTTIN' 101

What to drink: "Sex with my Ex" @ The Paddock - 178 Bathurst Street @ Queen, Toronto

What to eat: Curried Crab Cakes @ Insomnia - 563 Bloor Street West @ Bathurst, Toronto

What to Movie: David Christensen's SIX FIGURES

Now Playing at the Carlton Cinemas
20 Carlton Street, Toronto

"If you're planning on seeing anything I highly recommend this film, an intense and disturbing psychological drama featuring fine performances by JR Bourne and Carloine Cave.
- Steve Gravestock, Toronto International Film Festival Group

What to DVD: C.R.A.Z.Y

An absolutely delicious film about a maybe-gaybe boy growing up in Montreal in the 1970's. Premiering at the 2005 Toronto International Film Festival (and also chosen as one of Canada's Top Ten films of 2005), this was - BY FAR - one of my favourite movies of the past year. Please, PLEASE make it your next rental - you won't be disappointed.

What NOT to DVD: ELIZABETHTOWN

Okay...so I finally broke and rented it the other day. I have no idea why...it was an obvious recipe for disaster. You know my feelings on Kirsten Drunkst and Orlando Bloom. If you don't....here you go: HATE HER - HATE HIM. I had a three minute crush on Orly when he first arrived on the scene - but like all of my past relationships - I lost interest as soon as he spoke. And, of course I loved BRING IT ON...who didn't? But now? I don't see the hype around Kiki? Get your fangs fixed and then maybe we can talk.

Seriously y'all - 2 hours and 3 minutes of my life I'll never get back.

What to TV: Project Catwalk - Life Network - Premieres Monday, April 10

"You can't have fashion without victims." - Host, Elizabeth Hurley
It's "Project Runway"...only bigger, better and bitchier.

What's on m(i)Pod: I'm Not Ready To Make Nice - Dixie Chicks
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For the Guys:

What to Wear: Custom-made tees

What to Shoe: Custom VANS (in white)

What to Sunglass: Gucci

Secret Weapon: Kiehl's Facial Fuel Energizing Face Wash

Where to Hair: Fluid Salon - 16 Blue Jay Way, Toronto

Ask for Marco - he's fabulous....trust me.....you've all seen my hair.
(...and before all you fags clog his mailbox with appointment requests - he's straight....I've already asked ;-)

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DIRTY DISH-ES

• Paula Abdul just signed a 5-year deal extending her stint on "American Idol"....apparently she will be earning a reported $5-$8 million per episode....not bad for someone who thinks that they're still at home coked out on their sofa
• Holy Beard Batman! Ryan Seacrest and Teri Snatch-er's "relationship" became public knowledge after US Weekly published pics of the two smooching (or at least attempting to) on a beach in Malibu....now that's "Risky Business"
• Jessica Simpson just landed the role of C.J. in the film-version of "Baywatch" (the small-screen role that put Pamela Anderson on the map)....I'm glad to see that Ms. Simpson has decided to have a little fun after her pivoting portrayal of Daisy Duke
• ...and speaking of Jessica Simpson - it looks as though Angelina has proved to be a true inspiration for blonde bomb-shell....she wants to adopt a child from overseas....ahhhhh.
• A UK man apparently has been recognized by Guinness World Records as the most frequent user of Ecstacy - he has taken over 40,000 pills in total (averaging 25/day)....he is now suffering from tunnel vision and can't remember his name
• The super-hot (but super-annoying) frat team from "The Amazing Race", looking a little 'too gay' in some pics that were taken after show finished taping (couresty of JustJared)
• Kirsten Drunk-st now dating SNL hottie Andy Samberg....I really don't know how she does it....
• Vadge set to shake her ass again this summer in Montreal - June 21, Montreal Bell Centre (no Toronto dates announced yet....stay tuned!)
• Linsday Lohan forgot her undies at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards over the weekend....work it out, you slut!

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CHECK IT OUT

* Flava of the Week - Matthew Bowkett from Project Catwalk

I snagged the first two episodes from my "inside source" (wink, wink)....and I'm in love once again this week. He's what I call "dorky-cute". But adorable, nonetheless. And that accent....

~sigh.

* Going B-A-N-A-N-A-S

A fine chap by the name of Ben Murray produced a rather hilarious trilogy about toilets, big hair and of course, bananas. (I pee'd a little in my pants when I saw this). Enjoy!

Click in order:

"I Live In A Toilet"
"I Still Have Not Received the Bananas"
"Trapped In Peru"

* Distgusting, But Brilliant - The Return of the Hoff

* Yours truly in this month's edition of LOU LOU Magazine

* Birthday Shout-Outs:

Nikki Lawless, Micki Rombouts, Jerry Lacey, Derek Trenchard, Lisa Peters, Dinah Dief, Paul Narciso, Kate Bradley, Meredith Lamb and Sass! HOPE YOU HAVE (OR HAD) A GREAT DAY....mwah, mwah!

* ...and a HUGE shout-out to my bestie Amy W. for her huge recognition at Alliance Atlantis this past month. Good work, dah-ling! I knew those blow-jobs would pay off - TOTALLY KIDDING! .....PS - you looked fab on the finale of Project Runway 2 last night. Loving!

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WUZ HAPPENIN'

* Sunday Night Live - Winter Garden Theatre - Sunday April 9th - 7pm Proceeds go to The Heart and Stroke Foundation

* I Decide The five person show combines singing, acting, beatbox, spoken word, storytelling, and film. www.decideshow.com 721 Queen St. West (1 block west of Bathurst)
$20 online, $25 at the door (the show regularly sells out, so we suggest buying in advance) Every Saturday Night 8 pm show starts, 7:30 pm doors open (general seating) Courtesy of www.sweetspot.ca

* Fashion Cares Media Launch
April 3rd - The Carlu

* Trans-Formation AGO Presents massive pARTy
April 6th - Muzik, 15 Saskatchewan Drive, Exhibition Place -- 8pm
http://shop.ago.net/

* Gairy Brown presents his always-fabulous "EDEN" Party April 13th - fly Nightclub

* Bloor Yorkville Sante
The Bloor Yorkville Wine Festival
May 2nd-7th

* Fashion Cares -- 20th Anniversary June 3rd -- Metro Toronto Convention Centre, South Building, 222 Bremner Road 5:30 pm - 4 am www.fashioncares.com

Well, that's it for another week. Keep struttin'!
"And always remember, no matter how hard you try....you'll never be as good as me!"

Smith