"Lucky" - on our first trip to Europe...

Trust-funder Douchebag

I must first apologize for the "absent" column last week. Between my whirlwind trip to Chicago and trying to find a new porno-palace for me to call 'home', it's been absolute chaos. So, my sincere apologies to all of those who were waiting with baited breath last Friday afternoon for the next instalment of 'Struttin' with Smith'.

It has come to my realization however, that not EVERYONE is in love with the column - or me for that matter. Yes, strutters - it appears as though I've ruffled a few feathers! .....I know, can you believe it? Lil' ole me ;-)

Before we discuss, why don't I share with you, a little comment that was left on my last blog. I'm sure some of you have already seen this - as you were the ones who pointed it out to me. But in any case, it's worth a second read:

Anonymous said...
hi there. stumbled upon your blog randomly.
things i have ascertained:

(1) you are ridiculously self-centred to the point where you have become a celebrity in your own mind.

(2) your height, of which you seem to remind the reader every few paragraphs, seems to have translated into your looking down upon people both literally and figuratively.

(3) your self-consciousness has led you to become an empty shell of a person.

(4) you are a trust-funder douchebag. is there even a sliver of humanity inside you or are you going to just blindly go through life being an alcoholic clotheshorse?

So, y'all ("y'all" - I picked that one up while I was in the midwest...so trashy and fabulous that I couldn't bear to leave it behind). Anyway, y'all know that I'm "this" much bitchier come ANY Monday morning....my dogs are still barking from my regular Sunday shopping marathon up and down Bloor (being the 'clotheshorse' I am and all)....I've blown last week's 'trust-fund' cheque and have to wait until Wednesday to get the new one (how is anyone supposed to live on $5,000 a week?)....and last but not least, my AA meetings are on Monday nights and they're SO uptight at those meetings - I can't even sneak a cocktail in ALL day or they'll smell it on my breath - it stresses me out.

So, mid-Monday morning.....I'm minding my business at my desk - trying to get through the day without biting anyone's head off before noon. Then, my boss pops her head into my office and mentions how she loved the latest edition of "Struttin'" - but asks if I had seen the comment that was posted over the weekend. I say, "No"...and then a look of panic comes over her face. Of course, I log on and discover the delightful message from "anonymous".

Let me tell you strutters, "anonymous" brought sunshine to my normally gloomy Monday morning. I read it again and again and again....it was a SCREAM!

Then, I started to analyze - because that's what I do best.....analyze. Why that woman standing beside you on the subway decided to wear open-toed shoes in the middle of March (not to mention why ANYONE would wear such hideous shoes in the first place)? Why the guy who you met at the gym hasn't phoned you yet - even though he said he was going to? Why Matt Dillon looks better at 41 then he did in the 'Flamingo Kid' 20 years ago? Why I'm still single? (...I've come up with quite a list for that one....and I'm sure "anonymous" has to ;-)

Anyway, in true CSI-fashion, I begin to analyze...and these are the things that I have ascertained:

FYI - I'm calling "anonymous", 'Mouse' from here on out because I'm not only sick of writing "anonymous", but I also think it's quite fitting, non?

1) Mouse is a fantastic writer. Having graduated with a degree in literature myself - I can truly appreciate his style, technique and delivery. Well done - you've impressed me! (Although, I have a sneaking suspicion that Mouse thought he was dealing with just another airhead who purchased a generic degree on the internet - with her trust-fund, nonetheless).

Surprise! I gotz myz edu-ma-cashion....SNAP!

2) Mouse is a dude. I'll even go as far to say he's a dude who plays for my team. He may be still warming the bench (and he may not be sure if he'd like to 'pitch' or 'catch' on the field) - but let me tell you strutters, he's destined to be a Blue Gay!

At first, I thought Mouse might have been a chick that I've pissed off somehow in the past - and not even realized that I've done it. You know - the sensitive types who get all upset over some small comment you made about their hair - and they remember it - FOREVER. Anyway, the sensitive types would never have enough balls to write something like this - they'd get their gay best friend to do it for them. And if they DID have the balls ....they would at least attach their name to their "internet" message OR just say what they had to say to my face...and in that case, we'd be Best-Friends-Forever.

3) Mouse either: a) has a little crush on me, or b) is a sordid affair from my past. And so help me lord, Lucky - if this is you - I told you that it's O-V-E-R.
I can't handle you continually hurting me again and again....it's too painful.

4) Mouse is a true inspiration for us all. Not only did Mouse take time away from his busy schedule of saving all mankind to browse random blogs...but he also took the time to share his thoughts on an empty-shelled, self centered person like me. Thank you, Mouse. Thank you. You've forever changed my course in life.

5) Mouse needs to get laid. He is obviously extremely uptight and needs to release some 'stress'. Unfortunately, your kind and romantic words haven't won me over. YET. (Hint: If you liquor me up - your chances will increase ten-fold....but you probably already knew that, didn't you?)

6) Mouse is probably 5'3". The fact that I mentioned my height TWICE (as opposed to the "every paragraph" that Mouse pointed out) - really struck a chord with my new friend....which leads me to believe Mouse suffers from SMS (Short Man Syndrome). For those of you who don't know what SMS is - it's a disease that cultivates within men who feel inferior to men who are freakishly taller than themselves (such as myself) - often causing them to be very confrontational. Some sufferers of SMS have even been known to carry crobars around with them in their briefcases - but it obviously threw off their equilibriam and the added embarassment to their already bruised egos was too much to handle - so it stopped.

In many cases though, these "shorter" men are not short at all. It's a just a personal point of view. In fact, shorter men are often preferred among women and gay men. For example, in comparison to my tall stature (damn.....there I go again, looking down on people), the 'gays' (as my mother likes to call them), prefer smaller men- as it's easier to toss 'em around the bedroom. In fact, I've heard that many have even mastered some pretty impressive acrobatic routines in the love den.

And for women, well....I think my friend Aubs once said it best:

"Short. Stalky. And built like Rocky."

So, you see Mouse - being short is a good thing.
Take it from me - finding designer with a 36" inseam IS NOT CUTE.

All said and done, I like Mouse. I think we could have a great friendship. I know it's a longshot - but I hope that I hear from him again. Not only did he make me laugh on a Monday (something that no one has accomplished before!) - but he's actually turned my own self-image of celebrity into a reality. Momma always told me, "When they start hating you - and they take the effort to tell you - you know you've made it!"

So, thanks again Mouse. I'm assuming that you won't have the time to read my column again - with you saving the world and all - but I did want to extend my appreciation....your assessment of me was BANG ON!

However, I unfortunately have to bounce....I have to get back to work at my not-for-profit job in the arts and culture sector. Boy, just goes to show what a lack of passion and a trust-fund can do for a girl. BANG ON, I tell you....BANG ON.

And now for the real meat of the column...here you go strutters. Enjoy!

________________________________________________________

STRUTTIN' 101

What to sweet: Cadbury Mini Eggs
They're only here once a year - Indulge!
I've just gone through 6 Mega-bags whilst writing to my new friend, Mouse

What to drink: Wasabi Caesar @ Chinadoll (587 College Street, Toronto)

What to eat: Tex Mex Chicken Salad @ Hair of the Dog (425 Church Street, Toronto)

What to movie: V for Vendetta - Opens this weekend!

What to TV: Project Jay - Life Network - this Sunday - March 19th @ 8 pm

What's on m(i)Pod: Big Fun - Inner City

For the ladies.....

What NOT to wear: Leggings (they're EVERYWHERE)

What to bag: LeSportSac

What to hair: Beaded Hairbands

What to accessory: Foxy Jewellery

What to skin: Dove Calming Night Body Wash

_______________________________________________________

DIRTY 'DISH'ES

• Ryan Seacrest picking up the $4,000.00 tab on his date with "the train-wreck" - otherwise known as Teri Hatcher
• As you may or may not have heard - 'Dallas' is coming to the big screen....here's the latest casting news rumour: J-Lo will play Sue Ellen, Shirley MacLaine will play Miss Ellie, John Travolta will play J.R. and Luke Wilson will play Bobby Ewing....why don't they just go ahead and make a sequel to 'Dukes of Hazzard' while they're at it?
• Stuff magazine readers were recently polled and it turns out more of them would rather spend a night with Saddam Hussein than Tom Cruise
• Gwen Stefani to start her own magazine
• Lindsay Lohan is the new face of Louis Vuitton - this time try and keep yo' titties IN the dress, sweetie!
• Michael Douglas gives his '2 cents' in this month's GQ about the Brangelina-Chinnifer Aniston saga: 'I don’t know about Brad Pitt, leaving that beautiful woman [Jennifer Aniston] to go hold orphans for Angelina [Jolie]. I mean how long is that going to last?' Uh, well, let's just say they'll still be together for the rest of your lifetime....so at least a month - two tops.
• Speaking of Brangelina - the rumours are (once again) flying that the couple are to be married at George Clooney's mansion in Italy this weekend
• ...and the most horrifying dish this week....As you know, my hatred for Keira Knightley's fay is growing at alarmingly rapid rate. In fact, I despise her so much, that I might even drop-kick her fay before Fergie's - given the opportunity. Anyway, since Oscar night, that wench has apparently been spotted on the arm of my Jakey at a gazillion parties in and around Tinsel-town....game on, bitch! GAME ON.

________________________________________________________________

CHECK IT OUT!

Flava of the Week: The uber-hot waitor at 606 (606 King Street West, Toronto) - thanks for passing along, Madge!

* Dolce & Gabbana's Men's Underwear Launch - bringing together three of my favourite things: locker rooms, six packs and tight under-wears....

* Celebrity Mimi-Me's

* Next year's Oscar host? ...I think so.

* Deep Dish's rendition of one of my favourite songs: Dreams feat. Stevie Nicks

* "Hey ladies, check out my pipes!" - courtesy of Mr. J.....(I particularly love how he starts screaming for "Mama!") Classic.

* This clip's been circulating for a while - but just in case you missed it. I play it everytime I need a little laugh....watch how Beyonce just keeps givin'er.....THE SHOW MUST GO ON!

_________________________________________________________________

WUZ' HAPPENIN'

* Madonna will play Stereo in Montreal this June - stayed tuned for details!

* Tero Saarinen Company (helsinki) March 14th - 18th -- premiere dance theatre -- 8pm
http://www.blogger.com/ http://www.harbourfrontcentre.com/

* Grupo Corpo (belo horizonte)
March 21st through march 25th -- premiere dance theatre -- 8pm
http://www.blogger.com/ www.harbourfrontcentre.com

* DC Sample 2006 Spring Sale -- March 30th to April 1st -- 11 am to 7 pm Lot 332, 332 Richmond Street West, Toronto

* Fashion Cares Media Launch
April 3rd

* Bloor-Yorkville Sante
The Bloor-Yorkville Wine Festival
May 2nd-7th

* Fashion Cares -- 20th Anniversary
June 3rd -- Metro Toronto Convention Centre, South Building, 222 Bremner Road 5:30 pm - 4 am
www.fashioncares.com

Well, that's it for another week. Keep struttin'!

"And always remember, no matter how hard you try....you'll never be as good as me!" Smith