Believe it or not, I've officially stopped complaining about the weather.

In disbelief? Well, I was too until I realized that the gay weather gawds have a real "hate-on" for yours truly. Honestly, the more I bitched....the more it snowed. So, I made a conscious decision NOT comment on the weather. I swear to Prada, I haven't opened my mouth once for the past two weeks (to complain, that is ;-)...and voila - NO SNOW!

BUT, being the idiot I am - I found myself amongst the clucking hens around the water cooler this morning - grumbling about how cold my walk to work was. And sure enough....here I am....12 hours later.....watching snowflakes (the size of my head) slap against my living room window.

*Sigh.

On a more positive note however, I think the heat is upon us....and it's LONG overdue. Short shorts, hot men and patio intoxication. So close, I can taste it.....taste it like a drop of Colin Farrell's brow sweat landing on my fay as he has his manly way with me.

Bring it! Bring it hard. Bring it fast. Bring it NOW.

That being said, the reality is that we still have to endure a few more weeks of snow, slush and slop. And considering I've taken a vow not to moan about the weather - I'll have to bitch about something else.....

So, I have compiled a TOP TEN list addressing a little thing I like to call:

SIDEWALK ETIQUETTE

Considering I'd rather have my eyelids sewn to the carpet than take public transit....I walk. A LOT. And regardless of which part of the city you're in....the people monopolizing our city's sidewalks are not only incredibly daft - but unbelievably annoying. I mean, one would think after having 20...30...40 years of experience with the task at hand - WALKING - you'd be pretty good at it, non?

Think again.

(...if it was only legal to carry a stun gun....I'd actually get to work on time every morning).

SMITH'S SIDEWALK ETIQUETTE

1) HOLD THE SALT!

Do I not pay taxes? Taxes that should require the city to actually clear the corners and sidewalks of winter goo? If so, you wouldn't know it. I've started carrying my Swiffer with me every time I leave the house so I can pole vault my way over the mounds of slush and snow on our city's corners.

And what's with the salt? Do Torontonians think that throwing a cup full of street salt on three feet of snow will magically make it disappear?

Complete and utter laziness.

2) TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT

I'm a firm believer that the laws of the sidewalk should reflect those of the road. For example, if you're driving south - law says you drive on the right-hand side of the road. Therefore, if you're walking south - then you should, by instinct, walk on the right-hand side of the sidewalk.

Common sense, non?

Guess again! The number of people who disobey this sidewalk "law", is astonishing. Maybe it's just me, but I actually encounter idiots who will derail themselves from their original stride - just to get in MY way, look at me like I'M the asshole and then storm off in a huff.

Well, word to the wise - I'm not putting up with it any longer. If you see me doing my "Naomi Campbell WALK, Naomi Campbell WALK" down the street....steer clear....cuz I'll knock you're punk ass down. And not that I have anything against folks with a 'few extra pounds' - but just because you're fat doesn't mean that you can steam-role your way down the middle of the sidewalk with that expectation that I'M going to move for YOU.

To the left. To the left.

3) TWO BECOME ONE

TWO people + ONE iPod = BAD IDEA

Why do people walk down the street together listening to the same iPod? You KNOW who I'm talking about......they're usually newly established lovas or 14-yr-old tweens wearing EMUS and sapphire-coloured braces. In either case, they walk in unison with their heads slightly tilted towards each other - whilst sharing a pair of earphones. In the slight chance that these people don't look like mildly-retarded Siamese twins....they most definitely do look like assholes.

4) FOR LOVE OF THE SHOE

Let's face it. No one looks good when it comes to dressing for the winter weather. I'm, by far, the most hideously dressed person on the street when I walk to and from work....pea green parka, black quilted moon boots (with pants tucked in, of course)....HUGE faux-fur hood.

Hot mess. And I love it.

So, my question is this: Why do people (girls, in particular) insist on wearing the most INAPPROPRIATE footwear when they know they'll be walking through a sea of icy slush and snow? Last week I saw a girl shivering on the corner of Yonge and Wellesley wearing leggings and pair of ballets flats - NO SOCKS.

"Oh poor thing, are you cold?"

(Idiot).

What REALLY pisses me off though....are these women who wear $700 shoes to prance down the ice-ridden sidewalks.

Number One - SALT. It will ruin your shoes. And if you don't have respect for the shoes....then you shouldn't have feet.

Number Two - With a $700 shoe, usually comes a 7-inch heel. Uhh, probably not the best idea.

A few weeks ago....a woman was inching along Bloor Street in her Louboutins (...it took her about 10 minutes to move a foot). Anyway, sure enough.....wipes out. I wish I could have felt bad for her - but charma's a bitch.

Respect the shoe.

5) HOLD THE DOOR

I'd like to believe that chivalry is not dead. However, men in this city are making it increasingly difficlut to maintain that belief. When there is someone walking directly behind you as you enter a building - hold the door.

Man. Woman. Even if it's Lindsay Lohan....you hold the door. Not only is it the polite thing to do - it's common human courtesy.

Which takes me to my next point.....

6) SMILES FOR FREE

Although Canadians are known to be quite "friendly"....Torontonians are an entirely different breed. In fact, many think that they're down-right-rude. Eastern Canadians think so - Western Canadians think so - my mother thinks so (...therefore it has to be true). But in all honesty....I kinda have to agree. People are so sour....especially on the streets. Rarely a nod. Never a "hello".

And it's pretty sad when people interpret a friendly smile into something that it's not....

"Was he trying to pick me up?"

"That was creepy..."

"What was she smiling at - do I have something hanging out of my nose?"

Puh-lease. Don't flatter yourself....take it for what it is....a SMILE! Nothing more, nothing less.

Besides, how nice is it when you get a friendly smile on the street, especially first thing in the morning?

So that's why I say SMILE....it's your best accessory - USE IT! OWN IT! WORK IT!

7) WALKIE TALKIE

Strutters, I know this has happened to you.
Scene: You're hoofin' down Queen Street at a pretty good pace and then the woman walking directly in front of you whips out her mobile phone to answer a call. Fine. However, it becomes increasingly apparent that this woman can't walk and talk at the same time - yes, she's mildly retarded. For she feels the need to stop and converse as though the person on the other end of the phone is actually standing right in front of her....oblivious to the fact that there are people walking behind her. Honey, it's called a mobile phone for a reason....and if you can't walk and talk at the same time....then you don't deserve a cell phone - or legs. I don't care either way but please, take your pick and get the hell out of my way.

8) MY HOMIES

I'm going to make this one short and sweet, simply because I'm not the preaching type. However, I wanted to make one quick point...

If you chose to fore-go one (...just ONE) Starbucks coffee per week - that $3 plus change could possibly make a real difference to that homeless person that you ignore every morning on your way to work. I know you have one....we all do....

Yes, some may be lazy....some may be drunks....but some may have ended up in a place where they never thought they would due to unforeseen circumstances. You can split that $3 anyway you like - disperse amongst ten - give it to one. I don't really care....but it's just something to think about.

Who knows, 25 cents could be the difference between another night in a cardboard box or making a (long overdue) call home for a little bit of help?

I'm just sayin....

9) KITTY KITTY, BANG BANG

Here, of course, I'm referring to the HELLO KITTY CREW - those random groups of young, Asian girls who shuffle down the street in droves - sometimes five...six....TEN bodies wide. They're pointing....they're tee-heeing....and they're not moving for ANYbody. These gals are locked arm-in-arm like their practicing for the Red Rover World Championship. The next time you encounter the HKC (HELLO KITTY CREW), I challenge you to try and pass them! I have yet to succeed....so I welcome any new competitors. In fact, I once attempted to jump over them and ended up getting wielded in the balls with one of their cell phone charms.

So please, consider yourself warned. These girls mean business!

10) FUR-GET ABOUT IT!

This one just happened this morning - I think you'll like it ;-)

I had a rather unbearable walk to work - the idiots were out in full force. Anyway, by the time I had made it to the underground at Yonge and Bloor....I had enough. I'm dodging in and out of the "ants marching"and all of a sudden, I'm blocked by a 40-something woman wearing the BIGGEST fur coat I've ever seen - larger than life.

(I hate people who wear real fur. Not only does it look tacky....but I don't necessarily agree with wrapping oneself in an animal carcass. Then again, there is a pair of snakeskin D&G loafers that I've been eyeing - so, I digress).

Back to my point. Of course this woman was yapping away on her cell phone....walking at a snail's pace....flailing her diamond-decorated hands around in a manner that screamed: PLEASE, someone look at me. And that COAT. It was drenched in patchouli and had a train similar to that of Princess Di's wedding dress. I had to do something about it. So, as she crept down a mini set of stairs....I may have 'accidentally' stepped on the back of the coat - which may have 'accidentally' resulted in a quick snap of the woman's neck.

Me: "So sorrrrrrry! First the animal's slaughtered and then the poor thing's stepped on! I feel awful....". Snicker.

Enjoy this week's edition!

STRUTTIN' 101

What to Wear: The Moto Jacket

What to Denim: J Brand Jeans

What to Sunglass: The Ray-Ban Wayfarers (...I got the tortoise shell frames)

What to Shoe: Frye Motorcycle Boots

What to Eat: Chicken Curry from Esther's Soup Kitchen

What to Drink: Brando Spano

What to Movie: Cassandra's Dream (Opens this Friday....I saw it at last year's TIFF and it was one of my faves...plus, it stars Colin Farrell - which is just icing on the cake!)

What to DVD: Dan In The Real Life (Honestly, not a complicated movie. Cute. Simple. Refreshing. Rent it.)

What NOT to DVD: The Darjeeling Limited (91 minutes of my life I'll never get back. AWFUL.

If it wasn't for my Adrian - I would have ripped the disc out of the player and used it as a coaster for my 'tini.)

Song of the Week: Change - Sugababes

"Flava" of the Week: ERIC WINTER....currently starring as Rob Lowe's brother in ABC's "Brothers & Sisters". Hot. Smoking Hot. Bend me over call me Daisy, hot.

Here's a taste!

Want more - click here....here.....or HERE.

LAUGHTER-NOON BREAK: HOT TRANNY MESS!

SPOTTED: McSteamy (Eric Dane) having dinner at NOBU in Miami this past Saturday night. And yes, my Boo Sachi introduced herself....and word is he is just as good looking in person - but surprisingly skinny.

THE ONE TO WATCH: Kristen Bell

Love. Love. LOVE.

Otherwise known as Veronica Mars....

Or the familiar voice of "Gossip Girl"....

Or as the newest vixen on Heroes.....

And NOW, she will be starring in next month's FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL (...the same writers that brought us KNOCKED UP).

CHECK IT OUT.....

Fan of THE HILLS? If so, you probably saw the train wreck that is now Heidi Montag's fay during the premiere episode of Season 3.5 on Monday night. What the eff happened?

WOOF!

On the flip side, Lauren Conrad will be debuting her new clothing line this weekend at Holt Renfrew.

Arrive early to avoid disappointment (...cuz the tweens will be in FULL effect).

Here are the deets:

HOLT RENFREW

YORKDALE SHOPPING CENTRE

SATURDAY, MARCH 29th

1PM - 2.30 PM

(Live in-store interview with MTV hosts Dan and Jessi)

...and if that isn't enough.....

HEAD TO THE HILLS with host Lauren Conrad

Saturday Night (March 29th) at The Guvernment

Doors Open at 10 pm

BIRTHDAY SHOUT-OUTS...

Nikki Lawless (...can't wait for this weekend)!

Jen Hassan

Nick Iozzo

Derek Trenchard

Georges Arbache

Emily Wilson

Stephania Varalli

Denny Alexander

Jeff Merritt

Craig Lund

Jaren Lalach

Sarah Lawless-Turfrey

Adam Smith

Jess Moreland

Devon Guest

Katie Algate

Edlynne Laryea

Austin Ball

and

My Sis...Ellie!

Well, that's it for another week.

Keep struttin'!

And always remember,'...no matter how hard you try....you'll never be as good as me!"

Smith