SPRING HAS SPRUNG



...or has it? (I know that I've posted this picture before...but I also know how much everyone loved it...plus, it fits perfectly with this week's column...READ ON!)

Spring has Sprung....and you all know what that means, strutters! Detoxing begins, tanorexia is taken to a whole new level and last year's gay-pride glitter is shaken from the pockets of your favourite cut-offs...ohh, good times. GOOD TIMES, indeed.

That being said, I do have one thing to get off my chest. Although the warm"er" weather is here, I do think there are a few of us who tend to jump the gun (...just a little) when April arrives; when the last rements of dirty snow have vanished and we wake up one Sunday afternoon in an alcohol-induced haze and realize that we've lost an hour from our day-long Couch Olympics competition.

Let me provide an example of "jumping the gun". Whilst struttin' down Yonge Street one day last week on my lunch break - a day where the temperature MIGHT have reached the double digits - I encountered a "pack of gays" (as my mother likes to call them), sporting the shortest of shorts and tiniest of tees. Flip-flopping their way down the street, I stood...I stared...and I then thought to myself...."Why do we ("we" meaning society - not "gays") insist on racing each other to the closet each year to break out the summer gear - when, in reality - it's still f*cking freezing outside!" Granted, I "get" the fact that people are excited that the days of patio-cruising are just around the corner...but come on! Do I really need to see your "mini" buldge bouncing down the street in a pair of pink American Apparel hot pants? Ummm, I think not....especially, when the homeless guy at Yonge and Wellesley is still sitting (or laying...depending on the time of day) in seven layers. I mean, all I wanted was to pick up a salad for lunch - not a sausage round with a vanilla "shake". And trust me ya'll, the shake was 100% vanilla.

Rule #1 - If you insist on being the first one to be seen in your daisy dukes...get yo' ass to the tanning bed to ensure a deeper shade of pale...PLEASE.

Remember when the first sighting of a robin was the declaration of Spring? Not anymore. Now's it's just a matter of spotting a twink in a tube top (...who's name might by Robin).

Not only does the arrival of Spring jolt one's desire to break out his/her booty shorts in NON-booty short weather....but it also appears to summon the inner-horndog in each of us as well. Let's face it - this is the time of year when couples become singles and singles become even sluttier than they were. It seems as though the idea of a being in a relationship through the summer is as attractive as wearing your Prada overcoat to the beach...it still may look fierce and in theory, is a classic and functional piece....but it makes no sense. Not only is it stifling, but it's a pain in the ass to lug around. Therefore, you're forced disgard (or pack it away for summer and revisit it after Labour Day). Same can be said of a relationship in the summer.

When you think about, it makes sense. As Canadians, we actually have it kinda rough when it comes to the seasonal cycle (...well, that is if you align the cycle with your personal search for a girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, girlfriend, f*ck buddy, f*ck buddies....whatever). Shall I provide further insight? Fine.

With the coming of autum, the search begins. We start here because many still have a summer glow, many are still riding high from their memories of the summer past and MOST (not all) usually look their best in fall fashion (personal opinion). After scoring (what you think is) the perfect partner, we move into November. Everything's great - mostly because you are having wild jungle sex morning, noon and night - but also because you are really enjoying his/her company. Then, December hits. The sex life dimishes a smidge, it's getting even colder outside and then comes the pressure of the Yuletide season...which is never good. What are you supposd to buy? ARE you supposed to buy? And if things are going really well, will I actually have to meet his/her family over the holidays?

No thanks.

January...which you all know is the beginning of S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder - from which I suffer greatly). And if you're like me - you don't even want to look at anyone, let alone get busy....especially after his/her "once firm stomach" is now a distant memory due to the obscene amounts of turkey that he/she shovelled in over the holidays.

*sigh. I won't even continue...as it just goes plummeting down hill from there....bringing me full circle and providing some reason behind our willingness to shed our winter clothes (literally) and toss then into the wind once summer arrives. My only request however, is that you prepare me before the clothes are shed....as I now probably won't be able to have a milkshake all summer :-(

And now, on to the juice! This week - a SPECIAL edition - as the fabulous and stunning Sachiko teaches y'all Struttin' etiquette - Vancouver style.

Enjoy...

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STRUTTIN' WITH SMITH (and Sachi ;-)

Struttin’ 101 from Vancity by Sachiko

As you know, Vancouver is frequently called “Hollywood North” – and is a city full of hundreds of B-Listers and a handful of A-Listers at any given time – half of which can be found fondling exotic dancers at the well-known Brandi’s in the downtown core. This is the same strip joint which led to the downfall of Bennifer and where Christian Slater has been caught "red handed" ... enjoying the entertainment on more than one occassion

Vancouver is a fabulous city, full of fabulous people who are much more relaxed (perhaps because of a sense of calm that the nearby mountains give you or perhaps it’s the potent weed) than Torontonians. I have lived in both cities for a number of years, so I think I can fairly say that, although Vancouver has a great vibe and is one of my favorite places to be, it definitely lacks in the areas of really good restaurants/bars and lounges. However, there are a few gems that you should check out if you are heading west.

Sachi and MadTV's Bobby Lee...cocktail-ing in VanCity

Where to Tapas:

Bin 941 on Davie Street (right in the heart of the "rainbow" district)

Where to Sushi: There is a sushi restaurant on virtually every corner, but try Tanpopo on Denman

What to Martini: Caramel Apple Martini at Section (3)

Sidenote ~ this used to be called DeNiro’s because the owner was a huge Robert DeNiro fan but when Bob came to town, he threatened to sue the owner– the place was renamed Section (3) under the statute of BC Law which protects name privacy

Where to Late-Night: Ginger 62 on Granville Street

Where to Shop: Although Vancouverites loves Taiga and anything from MEC, I suggest hitting Zioni on Robson or Oakridge

What to DVD: X-Men

In preparation for the highly-anticipated release of X-Men III: The Last Stand, this is the one to rent. Fantastic film that includes some great scenes of many well-known Vancouver landmarks. A delicious Hugh Jackman plays Wolverine – even in plaid and with scruffy sideburns and claws, he looks good to me.

What to TV: reruns of Danger Bay - a half hour-long series set in and around the city of Vancouver following the life of a marine biologist (oh you’ve seen it, don’t pretend you haven’t). Something for everyone … I used to be in love with Jonah while my mom thought the dad (“Doc”) was hot.

Other noteworthy tv series filmed in Vancouver include Smallville, X-Files, Dark Angel, Stargate SGI, Cold Squad and McGyver.

sachiko ..... out ....

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DIRTY DISH-ES
~ Kate Beckinsale rumoured to play Wonder Woman on the silver screen...(I had prior commitments that I couldn't get out of - she was their second choice).

~ OK...everyone and their dog knows that Denise Richards has Charlie Sheen by the balls (calling him everything from an abusive husband to a porn star killer)...I'm bored. What I'm more interested in is the fact that Heather Locklear is dating David Spade? What the F*CK?? Is this rumour true? If so, how does the anti-aging Locklear go from 'Monty Python' (aka Tommy Lee - she was married to him before Sambora) to a pecker the size of a peanut, such as the likes of David Spade? I need a drink.

~ Bedridden in her California home following heart failure, Elizabeth Taylor is said to be inching towards death

~ Barbara Walters is expected to announce at the Daytime Emmy's that Rosie O'Donnell will join The View, replacing Merideth Viera

~ Sexy Anderson Cooper is joining 60 Minutes as a contributor

~ Chanel announced that dog-face Keira Knightley will be the new face of its Coco Mademoiselle fragrance

~ Breaking News: Teri Hatcher (scroll down in link) experienced an eye injury when a light bulb exploded on the set of Desperate Housewives. Half of her face melted off. Back to the plastic surgeon we go!

~ Our favourite Cheetos gobbling princess broke into tears this week when she announced that she is once again, with child. There are certain people that should not be allowed to procreate - Britney Spears is one of them.

~ Get out your camera: the first exclusive picture of baby Brangelina will pay $1 million (*raising pinky to the side of his mouth)

~ Keep it gay...Keep it gay....keep it GAY! Legally Blonde is coming to Broadway ...

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CHECK IT OUT!

* Flava of the Week: Channing Tatum - currently starring in "She's the Man" with Amanda Bynes
(It's worth $12.95 just to catch a glimpse....TRUST ME!)

* MTV Live - TONIGHT! Stephen from Laguna Beach is in the house. Keep an eye out for 'yours truly'.

* "You Had Me Had Hello...."
Andy Dick is like a car crash. You don't want to look, but you can't help not to. In all honesty, he's my guilty pleasure...but I know if I was stuck in a room with him for more than two minutes - he would be dead.
In any case, I thought this spoof on the Cruise-Holmes hoax (because we ALL know that's what it is) would be a nice "Laughternoon Break".

* The Return of the Monkeys!

My dear friend Ben Murray has submitted his Monkey Trilogy to mobifest, an online film festival dedicated to content made for cell phones. As some of you know, the Monkeys have already built a bit of a cult following, and now it's time to take them to the masses. Simply click on the links below, watch and then rate them. The 30 most popular titles will be screened on May 17th here in Toronto, but the voting closes on April 30th so there isn't much time to spread the word.

So VOTE (for Ben) NOW!

The Monkey Trilogy 1: "I Live In A Toilet"

http://www.mobifest.ca/show.php?id=385

The Monkey Trilogy 2: "I Am Still Yet To Receive The Bananas"
http://www.mobifest.ca/show.php?id=386

The Monkey Trilogy 3: "Peruvian Adventure"
http://www.mobifest.ca/show.php?id=390

B-DAY Shout-Outs...
My dear, Tessa
Mr. Gordie Lester
Rob Stover (Happy Hump Day, Hooka....oh, I mean "Birthday")
Sarah Murray
....and a HUGE sloppy birthday kiss for my girl, Lisa in West Palm Beach

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WUZ HAPPENIN'

* Sprockets - Toronto's International Film Festival for Children
LAST CHANCE...final day of the Festival is April 29th.
For ticket and showtime information, please visit:
www.bell.ca/sprockets or call 416.968.FILM or visit the TIFFG year-round Box Office (55 Bloor Street West, Manulife Centre, Toronto)

~ Sprockets is a division of the Toronto International Film Festival Group

* Hot Docs - Outspoken. Outstanding.
@ Various Locations - Opens Fri, Apr 28

Hot Docs Canadian International Documentary Festival is North America's largest documentary festival. Each year, the festival presents a selection of over 100 cutting-edge documentaries from Canada and around the globe.
For more information please visit: hotdocs.ca

* SONIC Nightclub
....with David Morales, Frankie Knuckles, Nevio
April 29th - 270 Spadina Ave., Toronto
www.sonicnightclub.com

* CONTACT - Toronto's Photography Festival
May 1 to 31, 2006 - Various Locations - Toronto

This year, CONTACT, Toronto’s vibrant month-long photography festival will bring the world to the city’s doorstep. Taking as its theme, Imaging a Global Culture, more than 500 Canadian and international photographers will explore the impact of globalization, both positive and negative. The artists’ work documents the often-competing forces of intercontinental travel, free trade, immigration, environmental change, political upheaval, global communication and the Internet, which are reshaping the world as we know it, sometimes beyond recognition.

CONTACT will be celebrating its 10th anniversary from May 1 – 31, 2006 with a dynamic program that has expanded to more than 180 exhibitors from its original 50. The festival, which takes place across the GTA in galleries, studios, cafes, restaurants, retail stores, hotels and public venues will be more focused and engaging than ever. Elaborating on the theme Imaging a Global Culture, the program includes high-profile public installations in subway stations, transit shelters and on city streets, 25 feature exhibitions, an international lecture series, film program, and panel discussions.

Most of the CONTACT events will be concentrated over a five-day period from May 11 – 15.
For more information please visit: www.contactphoto.com

* Bloor Yorkville Sante
The Bloor Yorkville Wine Festival
May 2nd-7th

* POWER BALL 8 "GORGEOUSLY FLAWED"
The Power Plant Contemporary Art Gallery at Harbourfront Centre
announces its ANNUAL FUNDRAISING EVENT. This is an opportunity to put your finger on the PULSE of contemporary art, music, film & fashion. Power Ball 8 will be all about bringing these influences together in the most inventive & electrifying ways.

WHEN - Thurs., June 1, 2006 (doors open at 8:30pm)
WHERE - The Power Plant Contemporary Art Gallery, 231 Queens Quay W.
TICKETS - $160, 416.973.4000, www.ticketmaster.ca/event/10003C85CF4ADD10
INFO - 416.973.4949

* Fashion Cares - 20th Anniversary
June 3rd - Metro Toronto Convention Centre, South Building, 222 Bremner Road - 5:30 pm to 4 am
www.fashioncares.com

Well, that's it for another week. Keep struttin'!
And always remember, '...no matter how hard you try....you'll never be as good as me!"
Smith