MIMI WAS ROBBED....

As you probably know, a little event that we know as the Grammy's went down at LA's Staple Centre last night - and as you also probably know, I have a few things to say.

First and foremost, anyone who insists on rolling their eyes in light of Madonna's mauve leotard - just stop reading now because you bug me. Its people like you who go on and on about 'how predictable she is' and 'how she really can't sing' and 'how awful her fashion sense is'...and yadda, yadda, yadda. To this, I have two things to say...

1) If you can get your fat ass into a mauve leotard at the age of 47 and look as half as good as she does - I'LL put on the damn leotard.

and...

2) Everyone also has something catty to say about Madge - but the funny thing is, everyone still tunes in to see what she does, to see what she's wearing and to see which one of her back-up dancers she'll dry-hump next. That my friend, is called successful marketing....and when she's managed to do it for over 20 years - the bitch is obviously doing something right.

So there.

If you happened to miss the opening performance last night...check out Madge's new video "Sorry". Pretty much an extended version of "Hung Up" (meaning there's really not much of a storyline) - but the old bag is still working it out - and the tiny Krump dancer KILLS me.

Here's the link:
http://ocko.idnes.cz/multimedia.asp?r=oc_klipy&c=A060207_170317_oc_klipy_kot&m=v
(you might have to copy and paste)

OK - back the Grammy's. All in all, not a total bore (as it has proved to be in year's past).

Here's my take:

Alicia Keys: She must have invested in some ProActiv because the girl's skin was flawless. A definite improvement from that gravel road she called a face when she emerged on the scene a few years back...and I LOVE her speaking voice....the perfect 'rasp'.

Chris Martin: Loved the curly hair. Hated how he almost fell over seven times during the performance....it was a little overdone.

John Legend: WHO? Legend my ass. Each year, it seems that the Grammy's endorse some underdog that no one has ever heard of (or wants to hear for that matter). Los Lonely Boys, The Soggy Bottom Boys, Macy Gray, Steely Dan and Santana come to mind....Mr Legend falls into this category. Mark my words, no one will remember him next year.

Mary J. Blige: The woman terrifies me - but I LOVE her. Granted - she should have foregone the air-brushed orange make-up and the skin-tight satin pants ('cuz the look was NOT cute) - but when she started belting out U2's "ONE", the-bitch-brought-down-the-house!

Jennifer Love Hewitt: How the hell did this happen? I mean, why don't you invite Tori Spelling while you're at it? Nothing nice to say - hair was hideous, dress was hideous. Gross.

Fergie: I've said it once and I'll sait it again, WHAT THE HELL IS TAD HAMILTON THINKING? She must be an absolute minx in the sac because there is no other explanation for them being together. The girl's face looks like chewed caramel.

Paul McCartney: Retire already.

Mark-Kate Olsen: ...or was that Fiona Apple?

Worst Dressed: Jenna Elfman.

Best Dressed: Jay-Z.

Love to Hate: Kanye West.

Kanye's performance was definitely the most entertaining of the night (not that there was much to compete with). The performances just don't seem to compare to the ones that I watched when I was a kid. I remember when I was a kid, I'd tape the Grammy's each year, so I could watch them over and over until I learned all the steps of my fave performers (this, of course, happened in the privacy of my own living room when my mother went to her weekly ceramics class).

That being said, Kanye pulled it off. I can't stand his cockiness, but I'm drawn to it at the same time.

...and last but certainly not least.....

Mimi: Poor Mariah. In my opinion, (and I think my boys will agree) "We Belong Together" was THE song of 2005....and with Mariah being snubbed in the major categories...I think she was robbed! In any case, she made me proud. Her dress was semi-classy, her wind-machine was perfectly set to toss those fab mermaid extensions and her be-dazzled microphone - well, that was the cherry one the cake. Well done.

That's it. Be sure to tune in tomorrow for my debut of "Struttin' With Smith".

Until then - always remember,
"You'll never be as good as me"